Saturday, May 29, 2010

Beta Two

Not good. 18,538. Sorry it took me so long to report this.

I was devastated for about ten minutes but then, surprisingly, I felt so much better, exhausted but better.

It has been a hell of a week. Every time I anticipated a test, or a test result, I would be doubled over with nausea for hours. Not the kind of nausea where I'd actually expect to throw up, not the kind of nausea where I'd get my hopes up about the pregnancy (though I did get my hopes up anyway), but the kind of nausea like someone's boot in my gut, like the week after my first husband admitted he was having an affair, like I can hardly breathe and the only cure is sobbing, sobbing my guts out (which I did, several times).

I will not have a D&C. I will not take misoprostol/cytotec. I will not blame myself for this misfortune in any way.

I will garden. And swim. And walk my dog. And paint. And make beautiful salads. And count my blessings, of which there are many. And Babies or Not, life will go on.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry the numbers weren't what you hoped. To me, it's not over until it's over ... part of me is still hoping for you. Either way though, you strike me as very well adjusted and I know you will spring back.

Anonymous said...

Been following your blog. The rollercoaster is rough, for sure. I was on it for a while and opted to not have a child and now see the world in a pretty interesting way that I appreciate. Children, I thought, were the answer. Now I feel differently. One thing I learned when I was trying was to try and respect "nature." Nature is so conservative when it comes to procreation. And as much as you want a baby, you want one that is basically perfect. Nature weeds these things out when something is wrong. As incredibly rough as this is in the moment, in the larger scheme of things, it is something to be in awe of and as crazy and as hard as it is (I know, been there) greatful for. You will be okay--you are in touch with yourself and the world around you. Your life is and will be meaningful to you and those in your life because of who you are--babies or not.

Ellen said...

I am sending comforting thoughts your way. I hope you can come to a place of peace soon.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry, Amy.

This too shall pass, of course, but allow yourself to grieve, too.

AmyE said...

I am really sorry that the news is not better. Take extra good care. I am sending lots of good thoughts and wishes for healing your way.