Tuesday, June 01, 2010

The Waiting Game

What a strange thing to be pregnant, yet not. Queasy, sore, bloated, tired. Waiting for the tide to change.

Top that off with running into an old miscarriage-survivor buddy in the store this afternoon - she's pregnant and glowing. I am hopeful for her, but it's bittersweet.

In some ways, this pregnancy's demise has been the easiest to come to terms with yet. After all, I've got lots of practice, and a rich life to fall back on. But I'm forty now. The future doesn't exactly glow with the promise of a shiny new possibility. I am having to face reality in a way I haven't before.

I talk a good game about moving on, but the truth is, I had my life crammed overfull of commitments and distractions. This time in life's waiting room is my free pass, an opportunity to disentangle, weed out the overflow and come back into harmony with the life I want to be living. If it takes a while to move through it, so be it.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

so sorry. it's an odd place for you to be, but having more "practice" at it might make it easier in some ways, soul crushing in others.

i had 8 pregnancies, 7 m/c's. each was different, and you'd have thought i got used to the m/c after a while. or a least my friends assumed that.

i had my son at 41. if you can stomach it, and it takes a lot of bravery, keep trying. don't give up hope.

the third, highly respected specialist (i live in a university rich area that has many med schools, genetic counseling companies and IVF clinics), told me getting pregnant is worth a lot. because of him, i kept trying.

he himself? he had tried for over 10 years with his own wife to have their child, when they were both past 40. and no, they didn't use donor anything.

Megan said...

I am so sorry.

Only you can know when/if it's time to move on. I don't actually think 40 is the end - how many woman had a dozen children (way back when) and were 45 by the time they were done? But, that's just me. I was convinced, as anonymous was, to try again by my doctor. I thought he was crazy. But I did use medical interventions (heparin, progesterone, clomid, IUI). Something I seem to remember you didn't want to do - even so, another RE told me that many people just get tired of trying and miscarrying (who wouldn't?) over and over again, but that statistics are still on your side and that if you keep trying, eventually it will work out. I also thought he was crazy. Take care of yourself. I am so sorry.

Anonymous said...

I know of a mother in my town who has a three year old and just gave birth to twins. She's 45.

Amy said...

Thanks for all the good wishes. As for the inspiring stories - more details please! I am a deer in the headlights for anything that gives me a glimmer of hope. J~ and I are talking about giving it one more year...

missedconceptions said...

It's all a numbers game. What medical intervention does, or at least how I think about it, is up the odds. I was warned the Lovenox, baby aspirin, progesterone might not work ("there is no guarantee") but it makes it *more likely* to work.

According to my OB, if you can get pregnant with relative ease, eventually you will have a baby. Some women get lucky their first try. Some miscarry several times. Some would get "lucky" after 30+ miscarriages, but most women give up well before that point, for obvious reasons.

My point is that because we don't know exactly why we are miscarrying (even with a known cause, the wording is "more likely to cause a miscarriage") nor do they really understand how the pregnancy-loss protocol works, you are just upping your odds of success happening sooner rather than later. Multiple miscarriages doesn't even always happen due to a problem; sometimes it is just really, really, really bad luck.

From my perspective, your emotions are indicating that you do indeed want a baby. I did. Once I decided that, I was willing to use full medical intervention to up my odds.

I will never know if all the medicine worked or if my luck turned. I do know that when I didn't do anything, I had two miscarriages. When I did, I had two full-term (or nearly -- I am 32 weeks now) pregnancies. In the end, it doesn't really matter to me.

missedconceptions said...

Oh!

When I had a pedicure in NYC, the nail tech asked me how old I was. When I told her I was 35, she said "Why you're just a baby! most of my pregnant clients are in their 40s -- that's how it's done in NYC."

Ellen said...

I can give you a bit of good news. I got married for the first time ten days after my 40th birthday. Since I knew time was of the essence we started trying to get pregnant before marriage. I had two miscarriages prior to the wedding. And five losses after - three in a row. I was a woman possessed as focusing and "moving forward" are the way I deal with stress. Although I never used IVF or drugs I did focus a great deal on charting my cycle/temperature, got acupuncture twice a week and took Chinese supplements. I did everything I could to help my body and, lo and behold, I gave birth to a healthy set of twins (remember, no IVF so they were conceived naturally!) at 41 and a half. I attribute my success to a few things - determination, Eastern medicine (something I would have scoffed at prior to my fertility woes) and charting. My path may not be the right choice for everyone but I'm so glad I listened to my OB/GYN when he said, "Don't focus so much on your FSH numbers and your age. You are getting pregnant. SOMETHING is going to stick sooner or later." In addition, I have four dear friends who all gave birth after 40 (and after miscarriages). Hang in there!!!!!!!

Mel @ The Preconceptionist said...

My friend was born when her mom was 47. I'm still in the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, inexperienced preconception phase, so I'm still holding out hope for you. Maybe it'll help.

knickknacks said...

Hi. I'm so sorry for your loss. I had my first pregnancy & miscarriage just recently. I really hope you will have a happy ending to your story. Don't give up!