Friday, May 21, 2010

Now What?

No news is good news.

Or maybe no news is just plain torture?

Still staining, off and on, but no red blood.

Breast tenderness, on rare occasion, and cramps increasing, and then going away, and then increasing, and then going away.

This morning I woke up feeling like someone is pressing their thumb into my stomach - a sign I usually associate with pregnancy.

I'm afraid to get my hopes up.

I'm afraid to go get my HCG levels checked, afraid I'll miscarry while awaiting test results – as if the gods like a cruel joke and are just waiting to sting me with hard reality.

I go through the day, coping. And then I get a call from a friend telling me how deeply she loves me, that she supports me and however I'm handling what I'm going through, that she'd do anything to help, make me lunch, clean my bathroom, call in others to support me too, accompany me to the doctor... and I am awash in tears. Why do I assume I must go through this alone?

8 comments:

Mom said...

Mom is glad you know you are loved and not alone. I would come at the slightest hint that you need me! From the woman who has always loved you.

Shannon said...

((Amy))~ I couldn't help but think of you as I tended my garden this afternoon adding reinforcers to my budding tomato plants that have just begun to bear tiny fruit. And, I'm thinking of you again tonight as I look into the night sky seeing the first fireflies of the season. We are all connected - all rooting for the spark you carry. Go forward with courage. You are not alone.

Hoping tomorrow finds you in sunshine,

Shannon

missedconceptions said...

I had to "pretest" with an HTP before I could lab work, because I would rather see a negative test in my own bathroom than hear bad news from a nurse.

You are not alone, Amy.

missedconceptions said...

I had to "pretest" with an HTP before I could lab work, because I would rather see a negative test in my own bathroom than hear bad news from a nurse.

You are not alone, Amy.

Panamahat said...

Found your blog through Emily at 'don't count your chickens' and sorry to find you going through the will it/won't it game again. I turned 40 two weeks ago, and have had 7 pregnancy losses (2 ectopics and 5 early miscarriages) in the last 6 years. I know this rollercoaster ride well, and am sending you love, support and strength to ride this one out as well. x

Suzanne said...

You have strangers you've never met by your side (and a cool mom to remind you!).

You are so not alone.

I hope you give yourself some comfort, go to the doc, get a beta and see how this is going. I stained for ages and so did some of my friends.

The not knowing is the hardest, in my opinion. And seeing a doctor now might be critical - my friend had such low progesterone that she almost lost her baby. You might need supplementation.

Good luck and please see a doc.

XOXO

r3 said...

Hi,
Not only are not alone in the experience and emotions, but you also have a big online group of folks who would like you to have a happy ending with a baby. I hope that this pregnancy is the one. If not, I'll still read you and hope for you if you get pregnant again.

missedconceptions said...

I second Suzanne. Get to a doctor ASAP because low progesterone levels are very easy to fix with supplementation. I was told if I saw brown blood (vs. bright red) with minor cramping to call immediately to check my progesterone levels and this seems to perfectly describe your situation.

(and sorry about the double post below!)