Wednesday, May 05, 2010

That Dark Place

I had two days of optimism. The nausea helped. But then the nausea was less and I went to that dark place, where miracle happy endings simply do not happen, where every pregnancy ends badly.

I told a friend my news and my fears and she countered with a story of another friend, who gave up trying after every conceivable intervention failed, miscarriage after miscarriage, deciding she just wasn't meant to have children. And then, at 40, had a first, and two years later, a second healthy daughter.

I broke into tears hearing that, realizing it might just be okay to retain a modicum of hope.

This morning I checked my basal body temperature, and found myself just .05 higher than I usually am before my monthly period. This is not good news. I am back to the dark place.

My dog is bringing me her toy, insisting that I play with her. Life, apparently, goes on.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

i'm sorry. don't lose all hope, not now, not ever.

Emily said...

you really shouldnt be taking temps at this point. its null and void. disregaurd. i know that dark place, and I dont have any great advice, other than you are allowed that smidgen of hope. Its all yours, and you are also allowed to enjoy this time.

missedconceptions said...

According to my RE, the hardest part is getting pregnant. Staying pregnant, he said, was the lesser of the two battles. It didn't feel like it at the time, though.

Take some baby aspirin NOW!!