Sunday, May 16, 2010

Revisiting LimboLand

I'm not sure where to begin. On the surface, there isn't much to report. I haven't truly begun to bleed, though there has been staining on and off. Early on, I passed a smear of clear slime with a thread of red in it. I assume this is an early version of the mucus plug which seals the cervix shut during pregnancy. I've seen it every time about a week before I miscarry.

For several days I felt occasional waves of cramps with no real pattern except that they seemed to be getting more intense and, strangely, less frequent. Those cramps were different from what I usually experience, broadly abdominal rather than strictly uterine. I haven't had any nausea or breast tenderness (except right now, I must admit, my breasts are sore). I suppose I could find hope in this but it is canceled by a steady-droning, increasingly intense uterine ache. This is very familiar. I would be surprised if I'm not bleeding by the end of the day.

I have been reluctant to talk about all this. The time between the demise of a pregnancy and an actual miscarriage is fraught with conflicting symptoms. I don't want to fend off hopefuls who insist I shouldn't give up. I appreciate the sentiment, and assure you, I'm doing nothing to prevent a pregnancy from succeeding. It's just that I know this terrain so well, and I recall the torture I felt in the past, clinging desperately to decreasing hope.

Of course I imagine myself looking back at this eight months from now with a baby in my arms. How could I not? But when that thought comes through, I do not cling. I acknowledge it for what it is, and appreciate its sweetness. And move forward into the next moment of waiting.

6 comments:

Sam said...

Just wanted to let you know I'm here with you.

missedconceptions said...

Limboland is awful, just awful. It puts your life on "pause" indefinitely.

But does this answer the question? When reading your last few posts, you really do seem to want a baby. There is no ambivalence in anything you write.

Like Sam, I am here, too.

Ann Z (tragicoptimist) said...

I am also here, and holding on to hope for you. But I know what an unforgiving, wretched place limboland can be.

Ellen said...

We are all thinking of you!

Anonymous said...

Lather up on the progesterone cream, have the OB prescribe Prometirum! I'm pulling for you...

Melissa (The Preconceptionist) said...

I just recently found your blog and love your "urgent ambivalent aspiration to motherhood." My sympathies go out to you for your time in limboland.