Sunday, May 23, 2010

Lifting the Veil

It's decided. You've convinced me. I'm calling a doctor.

The tricky thing is, who do I call? I haven't been seeing any doctors in a long while. The one fertility doc I saw (almost three years ago now), Dr. M,  retired shortly after my first appointment.

If my calculations are correct, it's 6 weeks 4 days since my last period. Pregnancy symptoms are much less than they were two weeks ago, much less than they were at this point with other pregnancies. Staining has graduated to spotting. I've told everyone who asks that it's over, it's just a matter of time.

In order to spare myself the emotional rollercoaster, I thought I would simply skip it altogether, assume the worst, accept it. When bleeding begins, I resolved to weather the storm with a few DVDs and a hot water bottle. And then move on.

Oh who am I kidding? I still have surges of pregnancy symptoms, and of course I'm thrilled when I do. I still fantasize that everything is actually okay, and appreciate the veil of mystery that makes this possible. And yes, I'm afraid to have some stranger take that away from me.

But I don't want to live in fantasy any more. If this pregnancy is over, then I want to know it. If there's hope, if there's something that can be done, I want to know that too.

I'm going to call Dr. M's clinic first thing tomorrow (Monday), in hopes that my medical records are still on file, that someone else will take on this orphaned patient and respond to the urgency of my plea. Cross your fingers for me.

7 comments:

Ellen said...

Fingers, toes, eyes....all crossed.

Emily said...

I can easily see myself in this exact situation should I ever become pregnant again. Ive already swore off betas and wouldnt allow a second ultrasound to confirm fetal demise last spring. all that poking and prodding can just be too much, but i think that I would eventually haul my ass to the doctor because curiosity would get the best of me. Im still thinking of you.

L said...

Fertility doctors tend to be merciful people (even with the god complex) who genuinely want to help.

Ask for a beta, a progesterone level, and an ultrasound. These are all standard procedure for this point in a pregnancy, so you are not asking for anything outlandish.

MissedConceptions

r3 said...

Not only is everything crossed for you, but I'm pressing my thumbs as well (a German thing).

I don't know if this helps or hurts, but I've decided if I ever had another pregnancy that wasn't going to be viable, I would have an AB instead of aborting naturally. I've done it naturally twice and it's just too painful (for me). I'm hoping you hear good news.

Mel @ The Preconceptionist said...

Good luck!

Paula said...

I'm hoping for the best for your pregnancy, and I'm glad you're seeing a doctor. I'm of the mind that knowledge is power, and medical knowledge about the workings of our own bodies and reproductive systems can be empowering with the right doctor.

I've said before that I was one of those people who took a natural approach to life, even avoiding birth-control pills because I didn't want to tamper with my body's natural mechanics. Fate was laughing at me, I think. Infertility and miscarriages smacked me in the face.

My ob/gyn sent me to a reproductive endocrinologist fairly early on. I was happy with the care I received there.

I'm sorry you're feeling in this in-between place. I remember one holiday weekend myself spent with an iffy pregnancy that became a definitely-not pregnancy on Tuesday morning.

I have two sons now that bring me enormous joy. I hope your path, wherever it brings you, ultimately leads you to happiness and a place where you want to be.

Suzanne said...

So glad you are gong to the doctor. If you have had recurrent miscarriage you need to get the progesterone levels at the beginning of the pregnancy. So many pregnancies could be saved with some progesterone supplementation. And an aspirin. One a day.

I've been through 9 IVFs and I have one child with six pregnancies....most of mine have been aneuploidy embryos (abnormal) but one was definitely because my progesterone was too low and I didn't take supplementation and I lost a pregnancy.

I know at this point - I've been a reader for about 5 years - that you are protecting yourself from yet another failure and the hurt and disappointment. It is 8:45am and I am thinking of you and hoping. So hoping.

Whatever the outcome, you are not alone. Not at all!