Lately I've been consumed with the seemingly rhetorical questions, "How could you do this to me?" and "What were you thinking?" A~'s response is that he wasn't thinking of me at all. No twinge of guilt, no fleeting anxiety, nothing.
"Then when did you think of me?" I ask. "Right after? The next morning? When you looked down at your ringing cell phone and saw I was calling?" After a moment's contemplation, he admits he doesn't remember thinking of me or the situation until the plane ride home, where he thought of nothing else. "I was in shock," he explains, still absorbing that this had actually happened. He didn't know yet how to handle it, or if he was even going to tell me.
So far, I've been able to accept the facts and grieve accordingly, but to admit to myself that A~ was so completely detached brings me up against a wall. In spite of all good and well-meaning advice to the contrary, what stops me is a sense of shame.
I see now how mother-child our relationship was.
Like a good son, A~ was polite and did his chores (going to work, hugging me, apologizing or offering reassurance of his love when asked). But when there was a chance that something he'd done or said or felt would cause me distress, he evaded my questions. It wasn't my feelings he was concerned about, but whether or not he'd get in trouble.
And like a good mother, I explained and taught and scolded when necessary.
He was so completely terrified of being without me, it wasn't until K~ came along that he even saw it as a possibility. (And he has said as much.)
What's behind this feeling of shame? I ask myself. The response that comes to mind is this: It's a shame, really, that I put up with him as long as I did.
2 comments:
Amy,
You go girl! I am very impressed, but not suprised, by your strength and intelligence. You will just fine. The grieving process is tough and essential, but after the clouds clear the sun will shine on you like it never has before. I'm thinking of you!
You are doing amazingly well. You have been dealt a heavy, heavy blow.
As I get older, I am more cynical.
Of course he didn't think of you! He was only thinking of himself. Just like my father never thought of his wife and three daughters at home while he was fucking away...he was a selfish brat and paid the consequences.
Of course, there are always times where you must take responsibility for yourself.
Just as my mother is so happily married (for 20 years!) to a magnificent man, I am sure that now she is thankful that my father left us...but at the time, wow. It was devastating (we had all moved to a new state/new schools etc... because of his transfer), while unpacking, that is when he said he was in love with a co-worker and wanted a divorce. Talk about the proverbial rug being pulled from under!
It was such a dark, hurtful, angry, sad time....but it does pass.
I think of you every day.
Please forgive this assvice, but the only reason I would ever sit across from the two of them would be to slap the shit out of both of them......perhaps going nuclear on their asses would be therapeutic. Like jump over the table and just go crazy on them...no? okay.
Sorry, but your situation strikes such a cord with me and my heart hurts for your pain.
It took me 37 years to marry...that long to find a man I could really trust, count on, spend my life with....some people look at my husband and say how odd we are as a couple...we are complete opposites and I can honestly say that he is the least attractive man I ever dated, but damn, is he awesome.
Sorry for hogging your blog,
Thinking of you,
Take care,
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