Monday, January 30, 2006

Okay I Admit It

Ugh, the layers, the layers! I've gotten below the shame now and, surprise, surprise, I'm ashamed to admit what I've found. But for the sake of non-avoidance, I will bare my soul to you, good and loyal readers. What lies below is this humiliating truth: If A~ were to want me back, I would be so glad.

I deserve better than the relationship we had, and I would never settle for it again, but the fact remains, I wish he still wanted me. I wish the choice were mine. Don't get me wrong, I want the divorce. But I still fantasize that once we're fully separate, his relationship with K~ will quickly fall apart, he'll realize what an idiot he's been, and suddenly not only want to do the work it would take to be worthy of me, but be capable of it. Of course I, so much stronger and wiser, would accept nothing less. In the end, we'd live happily ever after. So much more happily than we'd ever have been if this hadn't happened.

I know, I know, believe me, I know what you're thinking. I know already. That's what makes this so embarrassing.

To those of you readers who are wondering, yes, I will eventually shut up about all this divorce stuff and get back to the meat and potatoes of fertility and miscarriage and abortion and babies (actual newborn infants, I mean, not baby ex-husbands). I've got a lot of new thoughts on those subjects too, believe you me. But for today, please indulge my obsession. And in the meantime, check out the archives. And don't hesitate to post comments to old entries. I read those too.

4 comments:

Emily said...

Funny...*I've* had the snarky thought, "Hm, bet that's not going to last long" with reference to A & K.

It's gotta be really normal to think about taking him back. It would seem like a way to avoid what one would want to avoid in the weary middle of the night...having to really process all the loss, the whole enchilada.

cj said...

I think that is pretty normal... its a way to avoid the rejection. But, then after a while I would guess you'd not want him anymore and do the rejecting yoruself.... I don't know I think its completely normal.

I agree with Emily - it can't last long.

bllamama said...

Hey, I'm crying reading this. Its almost like I'm the one who hurt you. I'm sorry for what you feel dear. In a twist of fate, I feel like you do, but on the other side of the coin.
you will survive this, i might not, i've been rejected by both.
N.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I've had the same thought about my own ex "A". "Once you see what you really had with me you'll realize what a mistake you've made!" Then I closed my eyes and felt, I mean really felt what it would be like to have her back in my life, in my house, my bed, my bathroom; felt her energy, her presence. Felt the dynamic of bad girl, out of control girl and mister perfect, good guy. I don't want that energy back in my life no matter how lonely and scared I feel while in the middle of this process. A corner has been turned and there's no looking back. Maybe a brief peek every now and then though. Jim