Sunday, January 01, 2006

New Year, New Hope?

After a late night of celebrating New Year's Eve, I slept in and woke to this first day of the first month at exactly 11:11 a.m. It was pleasing to see all these ones, because it felt like a sign of a new start. And I could really use a new start right now. Also, it was nice to recognize the silver lining of childlessness in the same well-rested moment: with a baby in the picture, I wouldn't be opening my eyes for the first time at such a late hour. Just goes to show: There's always a silver lining, though sometimes it's pretty darn thin.

By the way, it's also a new moon. I like that too.

One woman brought art supplies to the party last night, and shared her tradition of making drawings about the past year, in all its hardship and glory, which are then shared with the group (visually and verbally, if so desired) and then thrown into the fire. I sat with my blank page for a long time trying to think of things to draw before accepting that this was truly a year of a singlular obsession. So I drew a great big abstract empty womb. Around the edges I made symbols for the ocean and the woods, which were positive influences, and the people who've touched my life this year, for better and for worse. It felt good to recognize and appreciate some people. Others felt good to burn. And speaking of burn, while many drawings curled, flames progressing evenly from one end to the other, and one just lay over the logs toasting like an anorexic marshmallow, never burning at all until another drawing acted as catalyst, mine went up in a brisk, bright, glorious blaze. Everyone exclaimed at this, and I felt hopeful tears rising behind my eyes.

I've finished my ten days of sour forest-floor flavored Chinese teas, I'm getting close to done with my Christmas chest cold, and tomorrow A~ hits the road for another week of work, this time in Texas. My second period since miscarriage number two is due in a few days. I've made an appointment with an acupuncturist for later in the month, and am considering making the ultimate splurge: an appointment with a massage therapist, as well. The Christmas candy is just about gone. And tomorrow, if I'm feeling up to it (not still coughing too much) I'll drag my sorry holiday/flu-addled ass to the gym.

I don't know what the future will hold, if my two miscarriages this year will be just the earliest steps on an increasingly sad road, a turning point in a changing life path, or just a sad chapter in an otherwise happy tale. But I'm okay with it, whatever IT may be.

Goodbye 2005. It was nice, and sometimes hard, knowing you, but you've transported me safely to the new year, and for that I'm eternally grateful.

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