Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Aftermath

We're working it out. Not the marriage, but the end of the relationship as it once stood, and where we go from here. Besides the who-gets-what, there are a lot of mundane logistical realities to contend with, such as the fact that we share a cell phone plan, and that the car I'm keeping is registered in his name, and vice versa.

I did give him that hug the other night, but not before he took his heavy winter coat off. Though at first I wanted more connection, ultimately I was glad of the barrier. This hug was for his benefit, to show my enduring love and my progress toward forgiveness. But he had not earned my trust, nor the warmth of my body.

The next night (last night) when he came back to go over more numbers, I let him hug me again, but I didn't want or need it, and ultimately, I had to pull away. He had an unfamiliar laundry soap smell, and I imagined it was hers. I couldn't pretend it was okay.

Something -- part illusion, part trust -- has been shattered, and I'm standing in the aftermath as the dust settles, trying to determine how much, if anything, is salvageable of a long-lived love and friendship. The answer to this question remains to be seen.

4 comments:

sistergirl-3rd grade said...

Thinking of you today, tomm. and the next day....girly, girl.
I think you should write a book about this.... or about personality...please excuse me if this is not appropriate...but your descriptions of smell,(detergent) and precisely pointing inner feelings, notions and psychology are amazing.
xo
sister-girlfriend

Amy said...

thanks hon, by the way, I fixed the entry that mentioned you as the one who said “Everything happens for a reason.” For the life of me, I’m not sure who it was who said those words, but I know where I was sitting at the time, and I know it was said over the phone. Anyway, I also responded in the blog comments to that too...

thanks for the write a book thoughts, that is exactly my goal and why I’m doing so much writing about all this right now (besides the fact that I need to write in order to get through it!

cj said...

You are a very strong woman... I admire that quality in you. I think the book idea is good too. I am not sure what kind of relationship anyone could have with someone that broke trust like that. I have a very close friend who went through something similar in her first marriage - a few years later she broke off all communication... after the dust settled for her she saw no reason to have a relationship with him. I'm sure your doing what is best for you - and that is so important. Take care, Thinking of you.

human growth hormone said...
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