Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Flashes

Recently, between the anger and the pain, I've begun to have flashes of appreciation for A~ and K~. This, I'm sure, sounds crazy, so let me explain: I think that on some level, A~ and I have known since early on that we were not what each other needed in a partner. He was afraid to be without me, and I was afraid to be alone, and we clung to each other out of that fear. If we didn't have a strong friendship, and real love for each other, it would have been awful.

Though he did an exceedingly sloppy job of it, and though I got badly hurt in the process, I can't help but feel in moments that A~ was the brave one, and that in the end, I'm going to be much better off because of it.

With this line of reasoning, I can't help but appreciate K~ also. She was at least a catalyst. What role she takes in A~'s life in the long run remains to be seen. Will I be jealous? Will I pity her? Will I have more and greater flashes of appreciation? I don't know.

I understand many of you are concerned about my plan to meet with A~ and K~, and I thank you for it. I know you believe that I'm opening myself up to further hurt. Absolutely, this is true. But I'm also opening myself up to further healing.

When we sit down together, there are only a few things I will want to express, a few questions to ask. I have some hope but no expectation of good or clear or even honest responses. It's a reality check, that's all. And I'm not afraid to take the risk, not afraid to feel whatever feelings emerge, and absolutely convinced that whatever pain comes to the surface will be that much less I'll have to carry around with me.

If I was apprehensive, or gritting my teeth in order to do this, I would know I wasn't ready or that it wasn't right. But I'm actually looking forward to it because I'm sure, whatever happens will make me stronger.

1 comment:

cj said...

I can see what your saying... if there was an inkling early on that things may not have been meant to be. My mother in law said of my husbands exwife that she never could have truly loved him because she was not happy for him when he and I got married. (They had been divorced for six years.) I thought that was an interesting take on the situation and I think its relevant here. Your saying that you may be better off - we all deserve to be in love and be loved. I am sure that once this painful chapter in life is over for you, you can move on to find a love of your own.

However, I won't say that A~ is by any means brave. It could have been done so much better. He wasn't brave, he was a ass.