Saturday, February 12, 2011
Mentally speaking, however, I'm not quite there. I am seriously unsure that I can endure another round of this particular brand of chemo.
If I were to stop everything right now, I can imagine recovering most of my sense of physical well-being in maybe a year's time, but I fear another round will put me over the edge. I'm afraid my last spark of health will be permanently and inextricably smothered, and I'll limp along lamely, coughing and spluttering and toxic forever more.
I'm not considering quitting chemo altogether, or forgoing radiation and hormone therapy. I'm just thinking, maybe just maybe I can skip this last dose of Adriamycin and Cytoxan? Please?
I know some of you reading have been through this. I'd appreciate your insights. Can I truly ever expect to feel well again? Will food ever look good, will it ever taste good? I can deal with the baldness, the fatigue, the rawness in my mouth, nose, throat, and okay, full disclosure, even the hemorrhoids and constipation and diarrhea and hell, I can even endure the occasional bout of nausea. I just hope that one day I can stop feeling like I've been poisoned. Is that too much to ask? Because if it is, I have some very serious thinking to do.