Monday, February 07, 2011

Another Day in Chemoville

To add to the weekend series from my previous entry, this evening's picture I think makes the trend apparent: it's been a downhill ride.
I got in the pool this morning, out for a walk with the dog too, but the rest of the day has been super low energy, spent on the couch. Food is seriously unappealing, though there are three exceptions:
 
1. Home fries and ketchup.
2. Plain vegan borscht (beet and cabbage soup) with  a squeeze of lemon and a spoon of miso.
3. Mint chocolate chip Rice Dream.

N~ helped me make the home fries today. The soup is in the fridge awaiting the energy or some help to heat it up. And J~ is headed home with frozen treats.

It is easy to sink into feeling like a victim of cancer, and a victim of the treatment. I can get into a mindset that I'm somehow a failure in that I'm submitting to this torture willingly. I suppose it's a similar feeling a parent with a sick child must feel: powerless, impotent, like I should have been able to protect my child/self from this.

But then I remember that this is a fight for my life, that undergoing chemotherapy and then radiation and hormone therapy will raise my chances of being alive and cancer-free ten years from now from a measly thirty-five percent to a much more promising seventy.

Then I think about everyone cheering me on and helping me through, and it hits me that there is a crew engaged in the fight with me.

It's incredibly touching to feel on such a visceral level that my life matters.

Thank you all.

11 comments:

Lisa Adams said...

Just wanted you to know I'm reading.
I remember.
I'm thinking of you.

Dave B said...

Yes you do matter. We are all there for you!!

Anonymous said...

We are here. Reading, thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way.

I hope you are getting your regular doses of Vitamin M (Millie Love). It is a very potent medicine too.

Feel better.

Carrie

Kerry said...

Yup...you are in our prayers.
~Peace

Sam said...

I'm always here, reading every post, thinking about you during the day. Wishing I could give you strength to keep fighting. You can do this!

Lori Mac said...

I'm thinking of you too. I'm there for you any time on Wednesday if you want some company or some help making food, photos, housework or anything else. I've got the whole day off. Just let me know. I'll drop you an email too.

Loved the Millie and Addie photos in the earlier post. And I'm so glad you got to go on the weekend retreat. :)

loribeth said...

I don't always comment, but I'm here reading & cheering you on!

Sabrina said...

You do matter and you are loved and people who don't even know you are reading and sharing and sending you love and prayers.
I know how you feel in some ways - it is so hard to feel so helpless. I just went through a 10 day bout of full body hives (hair, lips, mouth on down!) - an allergic reaction to an antibiotic. There was a point where it kept getting worse and worse and nothing was working to stop them. You do feel at such a loss for stamina. It doesn't take that much to reach that point.
So just know - you have a right to feel defeated at times. But you are doing an amazing job fighting. You are documenting this whole experience. You are so loved and supported. That matters. As do you! So keep going!

Sonya said...

Thinking of you!

Porch Days said...

Hadn't checked in on your blog in a long time. You are having a rough time but seem to be a very determined person and that counts for a lot. My husband and I both have had minor bouts with cancer but no chemo. I can only imagine how bad that must be.

I volunteered at the food co-op today. Really enjoyed it. I'm making it a regular thing.
Nancy

Grammie said...

I check in on you every day...and, you continue to inspire me.

Sending you hugs!