Sunday, January 09, 2011

Things That Are Getting Me Through

What a strange thing to be poisoned, systematically poisoned, to be feeling sick while knowing that my immune system has no defense for this. How strange, also, to acknowledge that soon, as I begin to feel better, I will belly up to the chemo-bar and take another dose. And then another. Over and over and over, sixteen times in twenty weeks. And after that, there's radiation...

And another thing that's difficult to fathom; that so so many people have been through this ahead of me, without the aid of modern anti-nausea meds that make it possible to eat and sleep and function in a somewhat normal way. And many have been through it more than once. And many died in the process. And many still do.

My mind floats to all the suffering we, the family of humanity, endure. Trauma, abuse, violence, disease... Everyone has their personal trial and tribulation. I don't mean to be depressing; I'm not feeling depressed. I feel lucky, actually. Not lucky to have cancer, but lucky to feel closer to the core, closer to compassion. And lucky, especially, for all the blessings I do have.

Such as...

Heartfelt messages of love and support from friends and readers. I savor them every day.

Cuties who like each other and like me too. (Here are two: my brother, D, and Millie the pooch.)


 An appetite and the ability to cook. (Today's lunch: curried pinto beans with onion, garlic, and summer squash, steamed broccoli rabe with balsamic vinegar, and marinated portabello mushroom. Oh, and some sliced mango for dessert.) 

Beauty and the mental space to appreciate it.

Time and energy on a Sunday evening to walk the dog with my beloved. And this land preserve nearby, one of my favorite evening-walk venues.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nice...we were just talking about you...you help us too...

r3 said...

Compassion and empathy. For everyone including yourself.

Sabrina said...

It is hard to fathom what we put our bodies through. It does make you realize how amazing we as humans are. And to see your strength and endurance - and love and compassion Amy - makes it even more amazing.

Robyn said...

I've been following you for a couple of weeks now. I tear up every time I read a post, and I think about you several times throughout the day, even though I have no idea who you are, and we're many states apart. Thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope not just through this journey, but the ones you've had before it. All my best!

missedconceptions said...

I am glad that you still see the beauty in life. It really is an amazing thing, isn't it?

My friend (a chemo alumna) simply referred to it as "cancer poison." She said it helped her think of it that way, instead of thinking about what it was doing to the other parts of her body.

gycif said...

Love the last photo...sunset w/ dog and beloved.
Thinking of you.
Gayle