Thursday, July 19, 2007

When it Rains...

Warning: this post contains gory details.

It rained all day yesteday.

K~, my sister-in-law, woke up at four yesterday morning, feeling the first wave of cramps that would lead her, finally, to the miscarriage she's been awaiting for weeks. She, like me, preferred to let it happen naturally, rather than intercede with drugs or a surgical procedure, a D&C.

Since my brother, her husband, is away on a business trip, I and her mother arrived mid-morning to offer our support. While her mother took K~'s two kids out for errands and adventures, I spent the bulk of the day reheating hot water bottles and adjusting foot rests and making food and, most of all, sitting with K~ and telling her, yes, this is normal, this is the way it was for me, too.

By four o'clock, K~'s discomfort was at its worst. Finally, as the cramps began to subside, she passed what she thought looked like a miniature placenta, a dark red blob almost small enough to fit atop a business card. K~ wondered if the marble-sized whitish area embedded within it was a partially reabsorbed embryo. I told her I didn't know. My first miscarriage looked completely different - almost all white-gray tissue, smooth and tubular, not unlike a tampon in its size and shape. The second I don't remember as well. It happened so much faster. I was able to collect less of the tissue, but it may have been more like hers.

The third? The third seems more and more likely. Though I still have some nausea in the mornings, it subsides, and I have mild cramping all day. No bleeding at the moment, but occasionally, sporadically, some brown (old) blood. If nothing happens by Monday, the day before J~'s surgery, we will likely go for another ultrasound. I don't look forward to the dead baby ultrasound, but I would prefer to receive that verdict while J~ is available to hold my hand. And I'd rather have the information before wringing my hands in the hospital waiting room worrying about J~.

At this point, I am afraid of two things:

Miscarrying while he is in surgery (or recovery).

Having the pregnancy continue indefinitely, unhealthy.

Actually, make that three things:

What if something goes wrong in J~'s surgery?


Anonymous said...

How exhausted you must be.

After I miscarried, a friend of mine who lives on the West Coast said to me: if you were here, I would make you soup and make you take a nap. Even though she couldn't, it was nice to know someone cared.

I wish for you peace of mind during this emotional time and know people care.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for being there for your SIL, I wish now I had had such a friend during my miscarriage.

A lot of folks are thinking about you and J and praying/hoping/wishing for the best. Remember how strong you are--you are helping someone else during your own time of need. Hang in there.

Dee said...

I can't imagine how you must feel with all these worries on your mind. And yet you find the time and compassion to take amazing care of your sister in law. You're a star. Best wishes coming your way.

Snoops said...

Amy -

I wish there was more we could do for you and J~.

You are my hero for taking that step to try pregnancy again and for sharing your thoughts with all of us along the way. Knowing you just for a short time, I'm already reconsidering trying to conceive again and also starting up my blog again.

As I noted before, you are a very brave soul. But, even the brave need a break. It sounds like you've got great people around you who can help soak up the pain - at least as much as they can.

I'm thinking of you - call me anytime.


Katalyst said...

I completely understand. My 2nd miscarriage dragged on until 13 weeks... And we had good appointments with it and scary appointments- spotting, red, brown, seeing the heartbeat over and over again, and then seeing a loss. It was emotionally sapping- I cannot even explain how drained I was at the end of that experience.

You are such a strong woman to be there for your SIL- bless your soul.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for both you and your sister-in-law...

Karen said...

I find your strength and compassion truly inspiring. It is obvious that you are an amazing person, wonderful spirit and a women put on this earth to touch the lives and hearts of many. Consider this heart truly touche. Know you and J are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. Karen

megan said...

i'm just so sorry for you and your SIL. it's so good that you were there for her.
i hope J's surgery is uneventful.

CAM said...

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. The pain of all of this is so hard to deal with and it is comforting to go through it with others. I know how you are feeling now, I was 11 weeks with my cervical ectopic and just waited - knowing that it wouldn't make it. It is the ultimate "screwing with your mind" feeling. The only thought that keeps me sane is just believing that this WILL work for us...somehow, someway, someday. I'll be sure to check in on you.
Thanks for your comments on my blog.

AmyinMotown said...

Amy, I'm a frequent reader and new commenter, and I just had to say how sorry I am that both you and your SIL had to go through this. It's -- crushing, I guess, is the best word I can come up with. It's horrible, and unfair, and I wish it were different.