Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Not Good News

I thought I'd be titling my next post, "Nausea" because that's what I've been feeling, and fighting, for the last few days, oppressive waves of it. Even toast and fruit were no match for it this morning. I thought I would be writing to solicit remedies. But I went to the bathroom after breakfast and found a silver-dollar-sized circle of blood in my underpants, plus more, a couple tablespoons worth, as soon as I sat down.

Adrenaline, it turns out, is the ultimate nausea cure.

I called J~, who'd finished his fifty-minute commute and was just settling into his work day. Ten minutes later, he was on his way home.

I called Dr. A~, who scheduled me for an ultrasound early this afternoon.

J~ drove, held my hand in the waiting room. I felt nauseous again, thanks to a lovely cocktail of nerves, hormones, and carsickness.

There was a heartbeat - erratic, slower (about a hundred beats per minute, as opposed to last week's healthy 150). A bad sign. The gestational sac was flattened, not as round as it had been, which is also a bad sign.

"Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do," Dr. A~ told us. It's a wait-and-see situation.

"Is there any chance..." J~ asked.

"Anything can happen," Dr. A~ replied. But he was not optimistic. He expects I'll miscarry in the next few days.

There's no getting around it. It looks like our baby is dying.

J~ cried in the parking lot. Cried again while he drove. (I had him pull over.)

I've cried my share as well. We've cried together. There will be more tears. Like I said at the top, this is not good news.

23 comments:

Ollie said...

No. No.. Oh no, god, no. I'm so sorry Amy.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Amy,
I'm so sorry to read this. My heart goes out to you and J~
ARGH!!!! Life is not fair.

Ann

Andrea said...

How awful, Amy...thinking of you and J.

Andrea adgrio@hotmail.com

Sara said...

I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.

Lil said...

I am so so so sorry. *HUG* I've got you and your baby in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

I am truly sorry. It is incredibly difficult, those situations where you have to "wait and see."

Shelley

r_is_moody said...

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

Melissa said...

OMG. The ups and downs of IF. I am so sorry Amy. Prepare your heart as you need to, but keep some hope. Again, I am so so sorry. I have been through horrendous losses and I know nothing I say will help you. Just know you are thought about by many...

Liz said...

Oh, I am so, so sorry.

I let my guard down, too, when I saw a fetal heartrate only to get sucker-punched when it was not where it was supposed to be.

Are you taking baby aspirin? It is one of my RE's "magic cures" for recurrent miscarriage.

I know you have been down this road before and know what to expect, but if you do miscarry, be sure you get lots of excellent pain meds. Physical pain on top of emotional pain is just too much.

Felicia said...

ohhh. Amy I am so so sorry. I wish there was something I could do.

Felicia

CK said...

I am so sad to hear your news, so very, very sad. This is not fair. I wish you all the best, whatever it would be in this moment to get you through. Please keep us posted, so we can offer any kind of support you need.

Again, I am so, so sorry.

Lily said...

I am so so sorry Amy. Life sucks. I am sending my good vibes your way.

Katalyst said...

Damnit, damnit, damnit. I am so sorry, hon- I am of the school that seeing a heartbeat on ultrasound doesn't mean much of anything having been through the same type of issues you are currently facing.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that for once- someone beats the odds and that you don't lose this little one. Damn, I'm so sorry.

Dee said...

Damit. We all know life isn't fair, but when bad things happen to good people, it frustrates me and upsets me so much.
Still wishing for the best possible outcome and thinking of you (two).

Anonymous said...

I'm so very very sorry for you. I was hoping for the very best here.

Keeping you in my thoughts!

Anonymous said...

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGG!
Sometimes only guttural sounds suffice. I'm feeling your frustration, anxiety, and anguish while sending the fondest, most hopeful thoughts your way.

Suzanne said...

Oh Amy - I am so very sorry. There isn't anything that you can say in such a situation. I am so very sad for you. Big hug to you.

onward and upward! said...

SHIT.

Still holding out hope for you, for what it's worth.

Dear Life Force and Creator of Universe: Please give Amy and J a break. Now.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, Amy. I wish there was something I could do.

Mia

Amy said...

Amy,

I have no words to say that can adequately say how sorry I am for your pain. Other than the fact that we share the same first name, I am not sure that we would have much in common if we met but woman-to-woman, I feel your pain and loss. I have been there. I rejoiced with your blog announcing your pregnancy and then again when you saw that precious heartbeat. I feel utterly sad at your impending loss. I will pray for you today and in the days and months to come.

Amy

Anonymous said...

I'm so terribly sorry. Try to maintain any sense of hope you can (that you did get pregnant, that maybe it will provide them the chance to determine what's causing the miscarriages and correct it). After years of IF I was told I was "very pregnant," only to miscarry (twice). (And I now have 2 beautiful children.) Most of all I wish you hope in the midst of this difficult time.

Aliza said...

I am so sorry to hear this. Words are never adequate.

Ann said...

oh no. I wish there were better words to comfort you. I'll keep all of you in my thoughts.