Monday, July 23, 2007

Limbo

I thought I would have so much to say about this in-between place, about the slowly fading nausea, the slowly increasing crampiness. But the truth is, I've sat down more than once to attempt this post, and found myself, again and again, without words.

It's a similar experience every time I've picked up the phone in order to schedule one last ultrasound before J~ goes into surgery tomorrow morning. I have not been able to bring myself to dial the number.

At first I was hard on myself because I felt like such a wimp, shying away from the facts: Either it's dead already, I told myself, or it's not quite dead yet. Wouldn't it be good to know?

In the end, I decided to let it go. There are enough bitter pills in front of me. Why rush to swallow this one? Besides, judging by the level of cramps I feel right now, it won't be long before I'm bleeding again, before it's all over. I'm not there yet, and I'm hoping I don't get there before J~'s surgery, or before he is home on Wednesday. Ideally, not until Friday, when B~ goes to his mother's and his grandmother -- here to help out for the next few days -- goes on to visit her sister.

One brighter note: I feel incredibly blessed by all the support I am receiving, in comments on this blog, from my women friends in the area and from afar, from my co-counseling community (people with whom I take turns receiving and giving peer-counseling care and attention), and from family.

This is definitely a hard time, but I have been through far worse.

12 comments:

Melissa said...

Amy, I am so sorry. Life sometimes seems so unfair. Try to hang in there and I still pray your little bean is a fighter and is sticking. Good luck with J as well...

Anonymous said...

I am glad that you are surrounded by compassionate people who can help support you during this very difficult time. My heart goes out to you, and I'm hoping J~ sails through his procedures with flying colors. I'm sending fond thoughts to you all.

Sam said...

I am sorry. I'm reading and hoping and wishing and crossing my fingers that everything goes okay with the surgery. Take care of yourself.

Artblog said...

Horrible situation to be in! You sound brave, I hope you stay that way. Good luck for everything!

Dee said...

All the best wishes for you and J and for his surgery ! Hope everything goes according to plan and better. xx

Sara said...

I'm thinking of you this morning, as J has his surgery. I'm so sorry you're going through this again and I hope the worst of the pain holds off until the end of the week.

Ollie said...

I just wish you weren't going through this. I wish that you had no need for this kind of support.

While I'm wishing, may J have a very simple, uncomplicated procedure and swift recovery.

megan said...

oh Amy, I am so sorry. thinking of you and J.

Anonymous said...

I hope the surgery went well. I'm sorry this is all so hard and all at the same time....

CK said...

I continue to keep you and your husband in my thoughts. I wish you peace in the moments that seem so impossible. All the best to you...

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and hope the surgery went well.

Mia

Unpollinated said...

I'm so sorry.

I wish the only thing I can at this time, love and healing.