Spring Cleaning

The last of my out-dated footage, from last summer. More of my videos here.

I love spring cleaning. There is nothing more hopeful than clearing the decks, sweeping out the clutter, knocking items off the "To Do" list. Jim and I have a weekly practice now. We made a list of all the things we've been intending to take care of——repairs around the house, financial reckonings, projects of all stripes. Every Monday evening we sit together and look at the list. We add and subtract, then pick a few of the most pressing items to tackle in the coming week, addressing the hows and whens and who-does-whats.

This weekend we'll deep-clean one room in the house together. We'll order wood for next winter. We'll wash and trim our dog's overgrown fur.

I'm becoming increasingly judicious about new projects.

For instance, I'm resisting the urge to replace the oft-used staple foods in our pantry, opting instead to make creative use of all those items I continually push to the back of the shelf.

Ultimately, the goal is to get to a point where there is no backlog, where there's room to take on new, bigger, more interesting and important challenges, without the energy-drain of worry over all the fraying loose-ends in the background.

I'm also thinking a lot about the world outside my little bubble——like climate change and how we privileged few humans are running roughshod over the earth, its creatures, and more vulnerable people, all the exploitation of land and people that support our "American way of life." I want to be done feeling bad about myself because I feel so powerless to affect change. And so, as I work, I am also educating myself, thinking about how to engage politically, something I've avoided until now.

Life is an adventure. And it's short. Will you join me in getting your chores done so that we can take on the bigger challenges together?

Here's a great talk by Naomi Klein that has gotten me going on this path. If you watch it, I'd love to know what you think.

Onward Ho

This is the second-to-most-recent video. Read below for a link to the most recent. More of my videos here.

Thanks for your encouraging comments on my last post as I undertook this new venture teaching at a new college. It is going well, though still taking up a lot of space in my mind as I plan for each day of teaching. I was offered two more classes for the spring semester and decided, rather than implode from all the work, or do the work shoddily, or abandon my studio clients and writing projects entirely, I would decline one of the two. It feels like the right choice. But then again, I think I would feel a certain amount of regret whatever I decided.

For those of you following along on Facebook, I should tell you my dear Millie is recovering nicely from the bite wounds she sustained a couple of weeks ago. It was a devastating event for all of us, but thankfully time heals all wounds, and traumas, at least if you're gentle with yourself along the way.

Here's a photo from today of Millie dressed for success - and by success here I mean utilizing a cotton barrier to prevent her from licking the stitches right out of the wounds.



And here's the promised link to my latest video. (Spoiler alert, the footage is not all that recent, but it is freshly edited - hot off of the Final Cut Pro "press" this afternoon.

Full Disclosure

I'm in the process of loading my latest video to YouTube, number #150!
But I haven't yet shared with you #149!
So here it is!
More of my videos here.

I haven't spoken up about this yet, here or otherwise. I wanted you to be the first to know: I'm finally writing the book, the Babies or Not memoir which this blog was originally intended to foster, all about working as an abortion counselor while struggling with infertility and the story that brought me to that place in my life and then beyond that place. It's about how "Babies or not?" the question became "Babies or not..." the resolution to live a full, brave, brazen life, regardless of cancer and marital upheaval and how parenting fits (or doesn't fit) into the picture.

I write every day, have been for a month or two now. I'm about seventy pages in and going strong. (I'm aiming for around 250 pages for the finished manuscript), and it feels like the most important, right work I've done. I look forward to sharing more with you about this - but for now - back to work!

Escape to NYC

Enjoy!

More of my videos here.

Holiday Cheese Eating

Forgive me. I'm a little behind in letting you know this video is live.
I plead the flu. More of my videos here.

Cheater

Dear readers, I have a confession to make. I've been cheating on you with another blog. I don't mean Life Craft, my long-time art blog. I've been open about that relationship, and to be honest, I've been neglecting it. Not my video-blog on Youtube, which I have been sharing here as well. (Have you seen the Ironman 70.3 video yet, by the way? There's a suprise ending.)

From the Salad Diaries: Barbequed Tempeh Salad

The truth is I have a brand new blog. I'm not sure why I haven't mentioned it, but today I'm coming clean.

Once a week for a month now I've been sneaking over to SaladDiaries.com and posting recipes and healthy tips and a big bowl of something crunchy and colorful and fresh - mostly vegan but not strictly so, and gluten-free.

It's my readers here who encouraged me to take my food passion and knowledge more seriously. So I'm sharing as I go along, working one dish at a time toward an actual in-your-hands cookbook. Let me know what you think!

Want to give someone you love a healthy, memorable treat?
This might be just the ticket! Only $3.50. Available here.

While I'm at it, I should also confess that I'm revamping my home-base website to better share my artwork and all that I'm doing online and otherwise. There's a gift shop there, and if you're really amped up about salads (like I am) you can get one of my designer gift certificates to give a friend, good for one "huge salad with your favorite dressing."

Okay. I feel better now.

To Be or Not To Be

Ironman drama! For the latest on my cancer scare drama, see the previous post. More of my videos here.

The Joys and Perils of Love and Lobster

Had a lot of fun making this video. Check out the romantic drama. More of my videos here.

Happy Birthday Millie!

COUNTDOWN
In four days: art show reception.
In six days: 70-mile triathlon.

Millie is feeling blue - in this video, I figure out why.
Also, guest musician Alex Beroza is AWESOME. I had fun making kaleidoscopic special effects to go accompany the track:
"Art Now" by Alex (feat. Snowflake)
http://ccmixter.org/files/AlexBeroza/30344
is licensed under a Creative Commons license:
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Today was Millie's third birthday. Time flies when you love your pooch.

Taper Madness

More of my videos here.

I'm assuming my current condition is common in the world of first-time long-distance racers of all stripes, especially those, like me, who suddenly have an injury and can't get on the bike at all let alone ride the shortened distances prescribed during the final "taper" phase of training. As I count down the last remaining days before my Ironman 70.3-mile race, I am struggling with an excess of pent-up energy and a newly strained back that makes it difficult for me to sit upright for more than a few minutes at a stretch. I can stand and walk comfortably, I can run, I can swim, and I can get myself to and from the chiropractor and the massage therapist, but in between these activities I am anxious and jumpy and missing the bike, and hoping most fervently that my darn back feels better in time!

Of course, as usual, I will keep you posted.

In the meantime, check out the latest installment of the vlog above, incuding Jim's vegan gluten-free birthday dinner as well as some bike racing and cute dog action.

Small Things are Big

I'm not talking about small complaints, though they tend to be the tips of icebergs and perhaps worth excavating. When I say small things are big, I'm talking about small pleasures, small blessings, small triumphs. One doesn't need an award ceremony and a plaque to commemorate the good things in life. (ps. speaking of small things, scroll below the video for my low-tech energy snack.)

My latest video diary in which it dawns on me - I will know I survived cancer when my dog licks me to death. More of my videos here.

Grapes and walnuts - my low-tech (and fresh) energy bar snack.

Crunch Time

Sorry for the lack of blogging lately, between training for the half-ironman coming up oh so very soon on September 9th and my solo show at Silver Circle Gallery, I am swamped. BUT somehow I'm managing to keep up with the video diaries! Enjoy these latest two...

Among other things: Me having a moment, Millie having a hilarious meltdown, and my exciting new toy.

A graduation, a reunion, great goal setting advice, and a decadent dessert to remember. More of my videos here.

You are Unrepeatable

Small Pong, Mummy Leg, and High Tens with Millie. Now that's living! More of my videos here.

Recently I came across a recorded book at my local library called Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth. I'd never heard of her, but apparently she's quite famous for her teachings on stopping compulsive eating and quitting dieting. All I knew was that compelling title, and my desire to have something to listen to in the car.

Excellent book, entertaining and smart and laced with love. Her bottom line idea, if I may be so bold as to attempt to sum it up, is to slow down and pay attention, to love ourselves, with food and otherwise. It sounds so simple, and yet it can feel so impossible. But Roth gently peels away all the layers of confusion and distraction that get in the way of doing just that, and she does it with humor. If you need a little inspiration to take better care of yourself - whether you're female or male, whether or not you're overweight or think of yourself as someone with "issues" with food, I highly recommend this read.

"We are unrepeatable beings," she says. And, "The promise of a diet is not only that you'll have a different body, is that in having a different body, you'll have a different life. If you hate yourself enough, you'll love yourself. If you torture yourself enough, you will become a peaceful, relaxed human being. Only kindness makes sense. Anything else is excruciating."

 Check her out:

More of my videos here.

Seventeen Simple Rules to Live By

Some meals are goodie-two-shoes delightful. (Clockwise from the top: homemade hummus, cabbage and carrots and kimchee with peanuts, stirfried kale and broccoli stems with onion and lentil sprouts, kidney beans and broccoli rabe, and in the center, kale and beet salad with tahini-lemon dressing.)

And some meals are just plain goodies, and they remind us that we make our own rules and that we are already good enough. (On my plate today: chocolate chips, gluten-free pretzels, and a homemade banana/peanut butter/hemp milk popsicle.)

I swiped this list from Buster Benson. Check him out. He's doing cool stuff.

1. You must not dilly-dally.
2. You must be your word.
3. You must have good intentions.  
4. You must admit to being the maker of meaning.
5. You must not feel sorry for yourself.  
6. You must have a vision that you are striving for.  
7. You must tie creativity and experimentation with survival.  
8. You must be the change you want to see.
9. You must rally others with your vision.  
10. You must stake your reputation on your better self.  
11. You must be comfortable with the consequences of being who you are.  
12. You must share.  
13. You must make your own advice and take it.  
14. You must manage your stress, health, and clarity.  
15. You must study your mistakes.  
16. You must retry things you don't like every once in a while.  
17. You must make time to enjoy things.

Hope and Chocolate

On my desk.

I will just come out and say it, without shame: I amaze myself.

Less than a year after cancer treatment, I am feeling energetic although it is bedtime after a day that included over four hours of exercise - a 3000-yard swim, a 36-mile bike ride, and a 6-mile run. Not all in a row. But still.

Okay, maybe this is partly due to the chocolate I ate an hour ago. But — though I think we can all agree, chocolate has magical powers — those powers have their limits.

If you are in the midst of it, feeling the worst of it, or know someone who is, I hope this gives you hope.

 Of course, nothing is guaranteed. But the potential to amaze yourself exists. Go for it!

Spoiler Alert

Today I made the hour-long trek to the cancer center in order to receive my tri-monthly once-over by Dr. R, oncologist to the stars.

Okay maybe not the stars.

Just the same, the excitement of this happening traditionally causes me a certain numb-panic that perhaps only other cancer patients understand. Everything seems fine yet underneath stress brews so subtly it is barely recognizable. That is, until it breaks through the surface in the form of an angry outburst or a sudden unquenchable craving for peanut butter and banana sandwiches with a side order of chocolate bar, or whatever happens to be your go-to substance/behavior.

This time, however, for the first time yet, I wasn't up for hours in the middle of the night panicking and inspecting my body for new and suspicious lumps. This time I only lay awake for about forty-five minutes, enough of an improvement to convince me that I wasn't thrown emotionally at all. After all, I lie awake convinced the cancer is coming back and probing myself for lumps all the time.

Jim met me at the hospital for the festivities, which were uneventful except for the needle stick, which had to be done in my hand as the usual veins are too damned scarred. After, Jim drove his car while I drove mine to Whole Foods, where we planned to have lunch together from the salad bar. I suppose it should have tipped me off to find myself crying as I drove while listening to Jane Lynch's memoir on CD. As Jane recounted her experience landing the part of Sue Sylvester on the hit show Glee, I did fleetingly occur to me that though this was a lovely anecdote, it was not exactly a tearjerker.

It wasn't until after I said goodbye to Jim, picked up some groceries, and drove home while consuming several comfort food treats along the way, tears welling, that I finally realized and accepted that I was swamped.

I have a good life. As much as I love it, or perhaps because I love it, it is particularly distracting to be reminded at regular intervals that this dear life just might be on the line.

It seems like the emotional weight of this reality is too much to bear, that if I stand still and pay attention, it will break over me in as many waves as contained in the ocean and that there will be no room whatsoever to actually live in the spaces in between.

But then again, one person can only consume so much chocolate and peanut butter.

And also, as much as I hate to break it to myself, it's going to happen eventually. In this glorious story of life, we all die in the end.

Finally home and sprawled on the couch with Millie licking my hands, and then my feet, I called a friend and cried. And then I called Jim and cried some more.

And lo and behold. I'm functioning again.

Life goes on.

For another three months at least.

How to Hypnotize a Dog

Wait for it...

Wild horse, geese, dogs, tax returns, snow, good food, good music, cancer update, and the color red.

Millie versus Uggs. More of my videos here.

Healthy Food Inspiration: Soup, Salads, and Dessert

My version of saying grace when I sit down to something that's both delicious and beautiful, is to snap a shot for you. It is so good to pause for a moment to appreciate good food, and the easy access so many of us have to it. Hope you find some inspiration in these...

Spring greens and tofu salad (firm tofu, diced onion, celery, carrot, red bell pepper, corn, parsley, dill, balsamic vinegar, Dijon mustard, and a dash of agave)

Thank you food processor - between the banana are slices of a treat I blended and baked, made from leftover rice, prunes stewed with orange peel and unrefined dried sugar cane juice, vanilla, and peanuts – although walnuts would be good too. Cinnamon on top for added fanciness.

Soup of the day: black-eyed peas and their broth, kale, onion, parsnip, dulse flakes, and chickpea miso.

Rainbow salad: green apple, pickled cabbage and carrot slaw (lightly vinegared and generously salted, left in the fridge overnight), red pepper, kidney beans, spinach, leftover steamed broccoli rabe, kidney beans, homemade hummus, balsamic vinegar)

Shifting

More of my videos here.

It feels lately like the ground keeps slipping out from under me. I'll be going along, minding my own business, and find myself suddenly or subtly sliding into sadness, or confusion, even a mild form of panic. Along with this comes insomnia, an inability to focus on work, and the same recursive thinking leading me to the same dead-end in the corn maze of my mind: whatever I'm doing is utterly wrong. If I'm making art, I should be writing, if I'm writing, I should be cleaning, if I'm cleaning, I should be having fun, if I'm having fun, I should be working. There is no right. My entire life is wrong and I can't bear it another minute.

In my better moments, I reach for the phone, a shoulder to cry on. Otherwise, I reach for something to soothe and distract - food, a movie, or a chore, preferably something I can do while simultaneously eating and watching a movie. And then it passes and I feel absolutely fine and don't see what exactly was so upsetting in the first place.

I'd like to believe this is all good. That this is a temporary crisis that will lead me to higher ground, a greater sense of ease and confidence in the world. I'd like to believe I've simply peeled away a layer of armor and now I'm confronting the stuff I didn't let myself feel in the past, working my way through it.

But sometimes I wonder if it's just the Tamoxifen messing with my hormones, and the aftermath of a year of cancer treatment and feeling like my life was on the line, a feeling that hasn't exactly gone away.

Either way, I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'll keep cooking good meals, making art, writing, working, doing chores, having fun, and wrestling the demons in the corn maze. And I'll keep picking up the phone, reminding myself that I'm not alone.

What else am I going to do?

Compression and Relief

These are so beautiful, don't you think? Dried persimmon purchased today at an Asian grocery near my home.

J and I went to the grocery together after a visit to the laundromat next door. Sometimes a broken appliance leads to unexpected treasures.

I have come, kicking and screaming, to accept that I have Lymphedema. I'm seeing a physical therapist, and also I've begun to wear a compression sleeve for a few hours most days. Since my insurance allowed for it, I have two identical sleeves which I take turns wearing. They are thick elastic support stocking, both black though I could have chosen other colors, tight-fitting from wrist to armpit.

The sleeve is comfortable when I first put it on. Comforting too, in that initial moment, calming my panicky expectation that the swelling around my elbow will increase. Soon I forget that I have it on at all. But after an hour or so I become conscious of it again, finding it increasingly restrictive and difficult to ignore. Eventually I can bear it no longer and peel the thing off, which probably doesn't help things any. But it is an incredible relief.

I don't know if the swelling will get worse inevitably, if my efforts are akin to trying to hold back the tide, or if I might reasonably expect that this minor ache and bulge may be the extent of my suffering and disfigurement for many years to come.

The physical therapist would like me to wear the sleeve at all times during the day (with the exception of while I'm swimming or showering), and a gauntlet as well, which is an extension of support hose from wrist to knuckles, like a tight glove with a partially open thumb and a single opening for the fingers. This garment, also covered by insurance, also black, I hate most of all, as it crowds my thumb and the bones of my hand into a narrow unwieldy curve.

I can't imagine fighting against elastic to spread my fingers on the keyboard or to go about any of the other mundane or creative tasks of my day. Since so far I've had no swelling in my hand at all (except for one morning after I slept in the sleeve - which I've since learned I'm not supposed to do) I take it upon myself, for the time being anyway, to reject my therapist's advice.

I do my best to keep perspective, to recall that I am loved, that I am alive, that I have a good life. Thinking this way is useful at times, a sort of compression sleeve for the mind. But every now and then the pressure builds up and I need to free myself, to admit that this sucks and I'm scared. Though this does nothing to change the situation, just the same, it is an incredible relief.