Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year's Eve

Last year at this time I was pregnant. I found out on Christmas night and I was thrilled, of course — and scared, of course. But on New Year's Day I miscarried. And decided, as I lay on the couch with a hot water bottle and my laptop, that I would take my life in a new direction, releasing my grip on the safe and trodden career path - off to grad school - and allowing myself more time to pursue the course that felt more enlivening than grueling. I would still try for a baby, but I wouldn't keep all my creative eggs confined to that one ovarian basket. (Forgive the metaphor, please!)

I've had an incredible year, professionally speaking (more about that soon on my other blog). Health-wise, it's been a more difficult journey: a few myserious illnesses resolved, a few new ones not yet solved, and a new naturopath who believes I have both PCOS and endometriosis. I'll be seeing her January 9th for the lowdown.

As I write tonight, I'm laid up on the couch with a hot water bottle and my laptop again. Not a miscarriage this time, but a collection of minor maladies. Actually, maybe I'm minimizing a bit - I did have a fever of over 103F last night. With a long sweaty difficult night behind me, I do believe I've turned the corner.

Feeling optimistic.

What better way to anticipate 2009?

Wishing you all the best!

Thursday, December 04, 2008

All Five

In the previous post, I talked about five things on my mind more than I'd like. Here's an update:

1. My Health
Saw my doctor Tuesday, told her the story of my "attack". She thinks it was an ovarian cyst rupturing - nothing to worry about. Not a kidney stone. Not an infected appendix. Not... who knows what else. It makes sense, since the pain hit around ovulation time.

So, around the same time next cycle I'm going for an ultrasound, see what's going on in there. Oh, and she also thinks I have endometriosis. And she tells me, looking over my blood results, that I'm borderline anemic. Even closer than the border than I was two years ago, when my previous doc said the same thing and put me on iron supplements.

In the meantime, more dietary adjustments, and a bit more optimism, a bit more trust in my gut intuition about my health. Suddenly I understand why I keep saying I crave foods that are "grounding." What do I mean by that? I had no idea until I realized that the foods that come to mind (red meat, spinach, nuts, raisins) are all iron-rich. Iron is heavy. Grounding. My body, I get it now, needs that iron.

2. Babies or Not?
I'm still hopeful, especially at this point in the cycle. But I still don't want it badly enough to turn my life over to drugs and procedures and a parade of doctors. If it doesn't ever happen, I'll be sad, of course, very sad, but I will also feel like I've dodged a bullet. I am under no illusions. Even in the best of circumstances, children are a major project. There will be a lot more leisure in my life without them. A child would be wonderful, but I can't deny it. Leisure is pretty nice.

3. My work
I think I might be finding my rhythm. Feels good. More on this on my other blog, LifeCraft.

4. My stepson
Out of sight, Out of mind. B~'s home situation has been in agonizing flux for months while his mother sorted out some personal demons. It's been a challenging time. B~ likes living with us, but he loves the school he attends when he's with her. He's back with her now and I am enjoying a break from thinking about it. Personally, I just want the ground to stay put under his feet. Hopefully the earthquakes are over, though I brace myself out of habit.

5. My ex-husband
Yes, the tide churns up thoughts of him on occasion, and yes, there is a melancholy feeling when that happens. He probably still reads this blog. Can't say that doesn't effect me. I feel his voyeuristic attention, and I wonder what he feels toward me, wonder what he tells himself as the story of our breakup. Funny how the mind can twist these things. Did you ever see the movie, High Fidelity? It nicely illustrates the point. Plus, it's funny. Rent it sometime.