Random disjointed musings from a recently diagnosed cancer "survivor":
Did you know that you're considered a cancer survivor as soon as you're diagnosed? So far I've been a survivor for five days. So far so good!
Of course cancer sucks in every possible way, but still, it seems an amazing privilege to be confronted so intensely with one's own mortality. I can no longer shy away from the important things in life.
Thanks to all the delurkers (and everyone else) for your comments of support.
To anyone who knows me personally and happened upon this blog in a web-surfing expedition: you don't have to pretend you don't know or don't read. It's not, nothing here, is a secret.
I talked to my Dad on the phone last night, to find out how he's doing with this. "It's funny," he told me, "I'm perfectly fine until someone asks me how I'm doing."
"So Dad," I replied, "How are you doing?"
"That's not fair!" he said, and the feelings were at the surface.
If you know me you know that I believe it's much better to feel things than stuff the feelings down. The act of feeling, emoting, is the very work needed to make room for a fresh perspective.
I've been doing a ton of it myself and it helps it helps it helps.
I need to figure out what doctor(s) I'm going to work with. I've been stressed out about this. Asking around, I keep hearing about Dr. Z, a female surgeon heading a breast health center about an hour from me. She's very much in demand, I was told, it might be hard to get an appointment with her. I made a call and found out her breast health center is not currently taking new patients. I was able to make an appointment with Dr. Z for today, however in a different office, a little further away.
Meanwhile, in a parallel and separate universe, my older brother J~ was doing his own research and heard about Dr. Z from M~, his best friend from the house next door to us growing up, my own beloved favorite babysitter, who it turns out, works as a physician's assistant in the same hospital with Dr. Z. This friend, knowing how Z is and not knowing I already had an appointment, talked to her about me, said I was practically his sister, and she told him to have me call her directly to make sure I got an appointment.
I spoke to M~ yesterday and he was incredible. He assured me that Dr. Z is "better than advertised", that once I'm in with her anywhere, I'll have the access I need to the breast health center's labs and doctors, that he will make sure I don't get lost in the shuffle, that the fact that I didn't truly become conscious about the lump right away was normal, and that he will call me tomorrow after my appointment and not to worry, I'm in very good hands. He also said that he burst into tears himself when he heard the news from my brother. Of course I was crying too hard to speak and am again crying now thinking about this. Can you imagine hearing all this from a man you adored and as a child, who wrestled with you and your little brothers and cared for you so sweetly when he was just a teenager?
So much more to say.