It's hard to find the time right now to sit and write. There's so much I want to do, so much I want to learn, so much I need to process. I am not the type to blindly follow a doctor's recommendations. I need to understand the rationale, the research, the controversies if there are any, both philosophical and scientific.
I've known that I have breast cancer for eight days. It is terrifying, of course, but also it riles me up. I cry and scream. I laugh too, and make my friends and loved ones cry and laugh. People want to take care of me, bring me a blanket, a glass of water. I'm not sick! I tell them. Save it for when I am sick. It'll come soon enough. Yesterday I reached into the bottom drawer of my refrigerator and found that yet again the carrots were frozen. Last week I threw away sweet potatoes, apples, and another bag of carrots because of the same problem. Sometimes the vent between fridge and freezer ices over, and no coldness at all gets into the fridge. "I hate this fucking refrigerator!" I shouted. I am not usually so volatile. But earlier that morning I'd discovered my internet router was dead. It was wet. My stepson had flooded the toilet in the bathroom above earlier that morning, and I had wasted a precious hour troubleshooting before I discovered the leak through the ceiling was the cause.
When you're trying to cope with a new diagnosis of cancer, with a surgery date already on the books (just three weeks away) in which, who knows, I might lose a body part, household issues are overwhelming. Luckily I had the presence of mind to call a tech-savvy friend who will come over today with a brand new router and install it for me.
As for the refrigerator, it's still cowering in the kitchen. It knows it's living on very thin ice. Excuse the pun.
Latest developments: I have switched doctors for oh so many reasons. Dr. Z had me do a mammogram and MRI on Friday (yesterday) and put off the bone scan and CT scan. "We need to know more about what's going on in your breast first," she said. She wants to re-biopsy the lump, it might actually be two lumps side by side or one with two parts. She wants to check out both of them. And also there is a lump in my armpit (dammit) which she will also biopsy. No date for that set yet but it will be soon.
On the bright side, I got to see the mammogram films yesterday and nothing showed up in either breast outside of the area of concern we are already dealing with. But I am told I have "young dense breast tissue" which means it's harder to see everything this way. The MRI will show more.