Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Testing, 1..2..

If I ovulated on the tenth day of this cycle, as my chart at originally indicated, today would be the twelfth day post-O. Unless I'm pregnant, by the twelfth day my first-morning temperature should be down around 97.5, menstruation en route. But this morning I didn't feel that tell-tale heaviness in my abdomen, and my temperature was a perky 98.2.

Several days ago, when the FertilityFriend software reinterpreted my data, pinning ovulation five days later, I felt my heart sink. I'd much rather imagine my reproductive system with a conspiratorial mind of its own, all sly and wily, outwitting my tried and true rhythm method of birth control. I even manipulated the data ever so subtly in order to preserve the original reading, to keep that hope alive. Even this morning, I didn't want to rethink the chart. My first excited thought was that I might actually be pregnant after all.

If not, if ovulation actually took place on the fifteenth day, my temperature might continue to climb, just like it would if I were pregnant, and I'd be in for a very long and tense five days of waiting, hopes spiraling up alongside fears, an all-consuming rollercoaster ride followed by a quick and bloody dash into the gutter of disappointment. Not my idea of fun.

So I did it. I POAS (peed on a stick), the second of my precious stash of three home pregnancy tests, the sensitive kind. If I were actually pregnant, it would show up by now. I braced myself for good news I'd need to keep to myself for a day or two, until my car is out of the shop and I can see J~ in person again. I am determined not to tell him I'm pregnant over the phone.

As it turns out, no determination will be necessary.

Gazing at a single rather than double pink line, reality crashed back into view: I'm not pregnant.

Now that I've come down out of fantasy land, I see I ovulated on the fifteenth day last month. It makes sense that I ovulated on the fifteenth day this month, too.

My period should arrive this weekend. There will be no exciting new life to wrap my attention around, to keep my focus off of the still painful fact that my husband abruptly left, that almost everything I lay my eyes on in my apartment, every piece of furniture, every photo album, every plant and CD and book on the shelf, every memory from the last twelve years, tells a story of him and I. It's like he's dead, yet he's not.

J~ and I are still such a tender new love, complete with all the unavoidable highs and lows and vulnerabilities and insecurities that come along with that. It is clear that we need the time. But it hurts like hell that we do. Next month, and the next month, and the next month after that, we will be strict with birth control. I'll teach art. I'll go to the beach. I'll have dental surgery in June and again in August. I'll spend time alone and with friends. And I'll officially move into his place September first.

And then what?

And then, game on.


anonymousey said...

"It's like he's dead, yet he's not."

That's how I processed it when my ex left. I treated it as a death, did my grieving and tried to move on...

It doesn't help when the dead rest uneasily and keep popping back into your life to bitch at you about some unpaid bills.


You not being pregnant... Painful as it is, it's probably for the best. I know it's disappointing and it hurts. I've been there too. So *hugs* and *chocolate cake* from an anonymouse.


Nico said...

I'm sorry that you were disappointed. There were a couple of times when I was still on the pill that I thought... maybe... and even though I wasn't trying, and it wasn't the "right time", I was still a little sad.

Enjoy your summer, and I really hope that when the game IS on, your number comes up quickly!

Her Grace said...

Besides taking your temperature are you keeping track of other signs of ovulation?

I used the BBT when trying to conceive, but got so good at recognizing the ache of upcoming ovulation and the eggwhite CF that I didn't need my thermometer anymore.

I still watch for those signs today, and can tell you when I'm ovulating without looking at a calendar.

I know you're sad, and I'm sorry. I hope that when the time comes, it all works out for you.

chaos_girl said...

I'm so sorry for the pain- I've been through it too. When we were engaged, I had baby fever badly and even though we were trying to wait until we were married- well, I still had my silly hopes! And AF came crashing on down every single time!

stella said...


I found your blog through a little pregnant... I was drawn into the fact that you were an abortion counselor, but realized that your story is similar to mine, except I had the baby, then my husband left.

I read through some of your archives and when I have more time, I'll finish. I'm going to bookmark you to see how you're doing. Best of luck to you.


katty said...

More or less the same thing happened to me this week. DPO 10, 12, 13 tested. Negative. Usually period begins on DPO 12. This time delayed two days. Hoped I was pregnant, but think it might have been the clomid stretching out the days.
Good luck with your new life, and your new man...