Friday, May 19, 2006

1W into the 2WW

I had a dream last night that I ate raw chicken by mistake. I was hosting a party, hurrying to putting out food. Raw meat had inadvertently been mixed in with the cooked. I didn't notice. But I did notice that some of it was too chewy. When my stomach started to turn, I put the pieces together. "People are going to get sick," I whispered to my brothers and co-hosts, But it was too late, the food had been eaten.

I woke up feeling queasy.

And took my temperature, as I do each morning in an attempt to track my menstrual cycle. This point in the cycle, the stretch between ovulation and menstruation, is known in TTC (trying to conceive) circles as the 2WW (two week wait). Fertility forums all over the web are full of women moaning and commiserating there way through this time. It can be very tempting to read into temperatures, to ascribe meaning to a low number (implantation dip?) or a higher than normal reading (pregnant for sure!) but I've learned over the years that this is sheer self-torture. Better to wait it out, better to stay away from the magnetic urge to POAS (pee on a stick) until menstruation is truly and officially late. But still, I eagerly update my chart each morning, analyzing the stats like an avid sports fan or gambler at the race track, comparing this month's numbers with previous months, trying to divine a hidden meaning. And of course, I have a stash of HPTs (home pregnancy tests) at the ready.

J~ is getting into it too. His first words to me in the morning sometimes come after hearing my digital thermometer beep in the dark. "What's your temp?" he said today. "I don't know," I replied, "it's dark in here."

This morning I told him about my dream, and my queasiness. It's way too soon to get excited. It can't be morning sickness just seven days after ovulation. (Can it?) But not too soon to interpret the dream, Chicken=fear. Raw=not ready. Serving it to others? Not a good idea.

Yes, I'll admit it, The more I think about it, the clearer I am that I'd prefer to wait just a little longer. Not because I want to hold out for the possibility of changing my mind, or to become more sure. I'm quite sure as it is. It's because of my teeth and all the other reasons I listed two entries ago (in Babies or Teeth), a list that should have included B~, J~'s son, who is experiencing enough drastic change lately as it is. We'll be stricter with the condoms next month, for the next several months.

Still, if a baby comes now, it would be incredible, a miracle and a blessing welcomed with open arms. I'll just have to work diligently and conscientiously to make sure all the chickens (fears) are cooked (addressed) in time. Luckily, we'll have nine months, well, eight months, in which to do so. I've never undertaken a bigger project, but I've certainly worked with tighter deadlines than that.


Anonymous said...

I'm the "bad" anon from yesterday.

Yay! This post makes me less worried. A happy medium. I never for once thought you'd changed your mind about wanting babies, it was a matter of timing. I don't think any of us lurkers want you to change your mind!

But an acknowledgement of the powerlessness and fragility and needs of B~, J~'s son, is key.

To respond to the last post comments about how it's not like J~ is running a string of women through his life, that's irrelevant. Yes, a stepchild can get their heart broken by ONE adult who comes into their parent's life, it doesn't take a string of lovers.

To make this real, I became very attached to my stepfather, who entered our lives when I was very young. He was my Dad, a real support system. When the relationship didn't work out after three years, and he left, I was devastated. He and my Mom had a highly loving , sexual relationship and were clearly into eachother. And it was all about them.

I asked her years laer why she and him didn't stay together and try to work it out, after I'd gotten attached to him, and she said they were really only thinking of themselves and what they wanted at the time. They had grown in different directions, she said. However, she realizes now, it was huge disservice to me--I lost my father. I've worked on that through therapy and have forgiven all parties, but I wouldn't go through that again.

Just food (well-cooked) for thought!

Katalyst said...

And do people not lose parents all of the time???

Marriages end in divorce. And second marriages after the first- they are even MORE likely to end in divorce.

So looking at it that way- I guess once you get divorced once, you should never marry again? Correct? And you should live the life of a nun as well to ensure your children are never exposed to any individuals that they may grow attached to and then those individuals might leave (or die or whatever- bonds on this earth are never permanent).

You've been hurt and that's understandable. And you don't want the stepchild (to-be) to be hurt and that's understandable too. But everyone's situation will not end up like yours and even if they did marry and get a divorce- the odds are against anyone who chooses to remarry any ways...

(Not to be a downer)...

I'm personally glad you're choosing to wait- because as much joy as a baby will bring you- I think it's important to capture as much time as you can with just you, B, and J. Plus, like you've said- you need to take care of yourself as well :)

Anonymous said...

Anon again,

Egad, again Chaos Girl misses what I'm saying. Bottom line, anything can happen, and several things are beyond your control, but, and this is a big but (ha), you have lots of choice and control here as the adult over many parts of your life, and the results don't have to be an extreme.

You can't do anything if J~ suddenly dies, as an extreme example, but you CAN do something about building a solid foundation with him and his son. You CAN choose his son for a little while over your need for instant baby gratification. These are choices.

You've only known this family for four months, and you are contemplating preganancy with this man right now, this instant. That's what was concerning.

I too glad you are giving B~ the time he needs to adjust, as well as you and J~. Keep falling in love, move in, have fun!

Katalyst said...

Maybe I'm missing the point because the original post you made seemed so aggressive...

Let me quote the one part that really rubs me the wrong way,
"Last, you are getting instant motherhood. ~J has a child. You are his Mother, Mom and Ma, no matter what. Instantly. Is this child not enough at the moment? Does he not count?"

I'm assuming you're not a stepparent, although I know you were a stepchild. First thing is first- AMY is not B's mother. SHE will never be HIS mother. His mother is a permanent figure in his life, whether she's a good mom, a bad mom, or a normal in-between mom- dead or alive. While Amy may be able to enjoy some of the good parts of being a parent THROUGH B- she'll never be his mother.

ADOPTIVE parents have more rights then STEP parents. Even if she and J gets married right NOW- she has no rights to his son.

You brought up J dying- so let's use that as an example. She pours her heart and soul into this child, which I have a feeling she already is doing, and then they lose his father. If the biological mother (BM) chooses- she could never ever see B again. She would have no right to even be INVOLVED in his life.

And that's why she isn't an 'instant mother'. Even a crack whore biological mother (literally) has more rights to her child then a stepparent does if they lose the biological parent in the equation.

I believe you are just looking out for Amy and B and J- and that's to be commended. You are right- they all need time to get to know one another. But don't think because Amy wants a child of her OWN that she is just shoving her potential stepson away. TTC is not an instantaneous process- even if she were to become pregnant yesterday, she still has a clear window of opportunity to bond MORE with B.

Heh- kinda funny though. We're both arguing what is best for someone ;)

Anonymous said...

ALthough legally, unless they marry, BORN's rights will not be as a biological mother, her role will be Mom. That's what the child will feel, ultimately. My stepfather never had legal rights as my father, but he was a Dad to me in all aspects. He was Dad, period. What I'm unfortunately not getting across well, is that BORN will be another Mom in B~'s life. She won't be replacing the existing biological mother, but in many ways, she will be just as big and important of a mother figure. From experience, I can tell you that's significant. I had a relationship, good, with my biological father and my second father. Equally important. The stepdad actually was a better father and I loved him no less.

I've never once said BORN shouldn't have her own, that is her full right! But in my biased view, she is going to be an instant Mom, albeit a second one and I'm glad to hear she takes that responsibility seriously and sees how that is a lot of change and adjustment for the son (and her and J~).

TTC is rough, I'm there. I feel her sense of urgency.

It is funny we are arguing for the same thing, a good outcome for all!

Anonymous said...

Though I was older when my mom and stepdad met (14 years), I never EVER saw him as a dad. I still don't today. I even struggled when my kids started to call him Grandpa. My dad had his own set of issues and was in and out of my life, but HE is my dad.

Amy sounds like she cares deeply for B~ and I'm sure that she will strive to be a wonderful caregiver, but B~ has a mom.

My mom and stepdad played it safe and though they were together, chose not to marry until my second year of college. They did everything Anon is suggesting Amy do, and you know what? I'm STILL not close to my stepdad.

Hearts are broken in a lot of ways, and I'm sorry that Anon's got broken in the way that it did.

I think, Anon, what people are taking offense to is the tone of your posts, which suggest that you know better than Amy what is better for her, J~ and B~. You have some very valid points, but unless you are a friend of Amy's posting anonymously -- you don't really know her at all.

Anonymous said...

*sidesteps the argument to make a pointless comment*

I dreamed about chickens awhile ago. They were all dead and maggoty but then an evil version of me raised them from the dead.

I guess some of my fears are being resurrected?