I used to feel like I knew where my life was headed, or at least I was comfortable and familiar enough with the territory. There was a certain limited range of possibilities, a predictable, though depressing, slow, plodding pace, and a sense that I couldn't get lost.
Though my dreams and visions remain the same, and progress feels, if anything, faster, I'm off the map entirely now. It's scarier.
But it's also quite a bit more exciting.
The person I used to turn to as partner has completely vanished from my life. The place I used to call home I now view nostalgically as I gradually uproot. The scenery has completely changed and my head is spinning.
My father once said that this blog will be boring if all I ever write about is my mushy smushy feelings for J~ and what a great time we're having. At the risk of alienating all of you forever: Dammit, I love that man, and wow are we having a great time!
Next week I fly to L.A. to help celebrate my brother D~'s graduation from grad school. It'll be the first time I've seen him or my brother J~ since A~ left me.
A week after I return, I submit to dental surgery. A week after that, I start teaching my summer course(s). Somewhere in there I'll find out if it'll be one class or two. I'm really hoping for just one. Life is busy enough.
In the meantime: there are bills to pay, lessons to plan, essays to write, a garden to maintain (I've got everything planted and growing at J~'s now: broccoli raab, spinach, arugula, squash, tomatoes, peppers, carrots, string beans, basil, rosemary, tarragon, cilantro, oregano, zucchini, pattypan squash, spaghetti squash, and several flower varieties, plus a strawberry bed in the works).
Not to mention, there are tampons to change, condoms to buy, and many days to mark off the calendar before and between the big headlining dates: July 19th, divorce court; June 16th and August I-don't-know-yet, dental surgery (after which, no more condoms); August I-don't-remember, J~'s day in divorce court; and then September 1st, our first official living-together day.
Speaking of which, in discussing preparations for my move, improvements we'd like to make in and around the house, we keep finding ourselves saying, "if only we had a truck..." This weekend we decided to take the plunge. So add truck shopping to the list. We want a 1998 Ford Ranger, with less than a 100,000 miles on it.
I may be off the map, but at least I have directions.