Let's talk about it, shall we?
Lately I've been thinking of sexual energy as life-force energy: we're all so magnetically charged to seek it out, to give into it, to procreate, even when we so often know rationally that we don't want to become parents, at least not now, or not with this person. But who are we fooling? That's what sex is about, ultimately, and the life force doesn't really care what we're thinking about the timing of our careers or the bring-home-to-mother worthiness of the person rubbing up on us.
There may be no other act that gets us so directly in touch with the awesome and mysterious drive behind existence. I might even go so far as to say sexual energy is divine. Even my beloved gay friend and brother ex-law, P~, says he feels his sexual energy attaching itself to thoughts about permanence in relationship, about family.
So strange how we equate sex with the devil.
But the same is true of anything that has great potential sway over us: fire, anger, money, love, chocolate cake... When sex or any of these influences are in abundance, good, clear-headed thinking often goes right out the window. Hell, even among abortion counselors who deal with the concrete evidence of this fact every day, who have good information and all kinds of contraceptive supplies at their fingertips, there are still no shortage of crossed-fingers pregnancy tests and hush-hush abortions. I've seen it happen. And I've only been working in this field a few months!
With J~, the sexual current between us can get so powerful I've been known to break into a spontaneous sweat, becoming so light-headed I feel like I might pass out. And that's just from kissing. It's like that for both of us. "Is it because we want to make a baby?" we speculate. There is no true answer, and no true conclusion as to whether or not we're going to take that particular leap, but the mere acknowledgement that we like the idea sends us both into a tizzy.
And still, the answer to A~'s repeated inquiry is not an unqualified yes. "So, have you done it yet?" is the way A~ put it several days ago on the phone.
Well, I admitted, we haven't taken it to its full conclusion yet, if you get my meaning, but yes, we have had sex.
"Was it okay?" A~ asked next.
Was it okay? I struggled to sum it up. No, it was not okay. It was great. It was unbelievable. The truth is, I'm afraid we might explode if we go any further.
In fact, I think I should take a breather here.
Round two, next time.