"Are you there?" J~ asked me on the phone yesterday. I had fallen into a deep and sudden silence, in the midst of humorous and hypothetical prenuptual deliberations. Lately we've been talking about furniture. My bed or yours? (His frame, because it's nicer; my mattress, because it's almost brand new.) Your couch or mine? (Maybe a new one altogether.)
Even as we work through the very practical nitty gritty, we've been carefully noncommittal, keeping a watch out for the moment when the shine of "so much better than the ex" begins to wear thin. But we feel more solid every day, so neither of us really believe that's going to happen.
But still, it might.
There are also moments when the uncertainty makes us want to jump in blind, get pregnant, lock this thing down so that we don't have to face the lonely alternative any longer. Rushing has an unmistakable, unpleasant vibe, so we resist.
For a brief moment on the phone yesterday, for the first time, it didn't feel like rushing, nor did I want to resist. I'm ready, I wanted to say, Let's do this.
The thought brought me up short.
To those of you wondering if my last blog entry meant I'd given up on having children, let me say this: The possibility of throwing caution to the wind very much exists. And if the wind gets strong enough, it might be soon.
1 comment:
Deep breaths. Remember, this is Spring and that could explain part of it. Flowers budding, bees buzzing, birds chirping ... I'm not telling you what to do or not do, but do keep your mind open to someone else's perspective--which is it seems like you are coming off one relationship and right into another and feeling more alive than you have in awhile. Impulses are great--they tell us something about ourselves. That something needs to be free that has been bottled up or stifled or repressed or held back. But should we act on them? Not always.
For example, I was just robbed. Someone, and I believe I know who it is, broke into our home and stole everything of value. My impulse is to march up to the thief and put my bare hands around his neck and squeeze until I feel better. Not going to do that, despite the fact it would feel soooooo good. But my revenge impulses are just pointing to the obvious--I feel vulnerable and exploited and think I need to regain control and power. Instead, I need to look at how much control and power I have in my own life and examine those issues.
This is not the same as having a baby, but having a baby can be driven by destructive impulses as well as creative ones. Breathing is good.
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