Updates and Poodle Attacks

My Dad and Millie. A deep and abiding love. More of my videos here.

Tamoxifen update: I'm getting used to it. The hot flashes are subsiding, my muscles aren't so knotted up, I sleep okay most nights, and I'm not feeling emotionally underwater anymore. I'm about 9 months in. Four year, three months to go.

Triathlon update: I signed up for an Olympic distance event, holding off on the Half-Ironman until I'm really sure it's something I want to do. In the meantime, I'm training almost as if I'm still planning on it, biking, swimming, running, each three times a week.

Stepmotherhood update: The boy I met at eleven and whom I've shared a home with for most of his life ever since is now eighteen. Come fall, he'll be off to college and planting the seeds of his own adult and independent life. I know it's the biggest cliche in the book, but how quickly they grow up. In the meantime, he's a true teenager. On the couch. Sick with mono.

Poodle update: Millie is keeping an eye on him.

Lymphedema update: Still there, still mild. I wear the compression sleeve occasionally, and think about it less.

Life Goes On

The photos in this video are on display at the Newport Art Museum until May 20th. More about the show here. More of my videos here.

It struck me the other day that it's still well under a year since I finished my treatment for cancer. It struck me not long before that that it was just a month or so after my last miscarriage that I was diagnosed with cancer in the first place. The whole cancer thing put the babies or not question to rest. I haven't menstruated since my first dose of chemotherapy, probably never will again.

Which reminds me of a time a few years back when I found myself longing for the day when I could be finally off the fence, finally done wondering if I'd ever bear children. Even if the answer turned out to be no, it seemed like it would be a relief.

And the truth is, though it wasn't easy getting here, I am very relieved to be out of that limbo. And amazed that just eight months after finishing radiation, I'm feeling fit and healthy and, though I've backed off a bit from the half-ironman plan, I haven't exactly decided against it yet either.

Pet Oppression, Among Other Injustices

For today's installment: begging poodle, determined cat, neat brother, good friend, a funeral, Tamoxifen, refrigerator drama, and a haircut. All of those words apply. More of my videos here.

Fame

Well not exactly, but I can pretend a little, right?

These shots are part of a series of portraits of NPR This I Believe essayists called THIS I BELIEVE REVEALED by photographer Scott Indermaur, on display at the Newport Art Museum beginning this Friday night until May 20th. The pictures are accompanied by both the audio and printed essays they are meant to illustrate. (You can listen to my essay here.) Want to check out the show? I do too! More details here.

PS. I vlogged my photo shoot. It isn't online yet, but stay tuned!

Tarzan

The black and white TV fiction that occupied great swaths of my childhood Saturday mornings remains in my memory in repetitive snippets: Tarzan's distinctive yodel; his bare, hairless chest and skimpy animal skins (I liked imagining the steamy heat that made such a uniform practical); the housewifely Jane's good-natured fussing in the tree house (which I found both comforting and disturbing); and the thrilling race through the jungle that took place in every episode, Tarzan valiantly swinging from vine to vine above the jungle floor on his way to rescue Boy from a crocodile, or a lion and cubs from money-hungry poachers.

It is hard to remember what was so compelling about these stories. But they kept me pinned in place, gripping my bowl of Cheerios, wearing my footie pajamas, slack-jawed and anxious to see what would happen next.

Recently I've been comparing myself to Tarzan. Not that I've been valiant or yodeling or even bare-chested. It's just that lately I've been swinging from distraction to distraction, unable to bear the company of my own mind. Every now and then I let go and fall into despair. It feels ancient, primordial, like warm oozing mud threatening to swallow me whole.

Looking back over my blog posts, I see this state of mind has prevailed for months now. I would not be surprised if Tamoxifen has some role in it. I would so like to throw those pills in the trash and walk away. While I'm at it, I'd also like to quit this every-three-month once-over by my oncologist, divorcing myself from my history of cancer entirely. But I'm not that brave/stupid, and in spite of these muddy feelings, I still prefer to live.

Last week I began training for a half-ironman triathlon - a 1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike ride, and 13 mile run, all in a row. I think I could do it. But do I really want to? It feels like I've been pushing myself into it without ever truly answering that question.

When I'm really honest with myself, I realize that this project feels like just another set of ropes over the abyss. I'm afraid to let go. Yet when I've allowed myself to feel the feelings, the urgent need to avoid the muck below has abated.

On the other hand, I'm also afraid of the challenge the half-iron presents.

So now I'm Tarzan inside a fear sandwich.

I guess I'll just hang out here, without footie pajamas or Cheerios this time, and see what happens next.

Everyday Blessings

Two new videos! New Years Eve, puppy slippers, parties, lymphedema, underwater fun, jury duty, and plenty of cute puppytude.

More of my videos here.

More of my videos here.

Healthy Food Inspiration: Soup, Salads, and Dessert

My version of saying grace when I sit down to something that's both delicious and beautiful, is to snap a shot for you. It is so good to pause for a moment to appreciate good food, and the easy access so many of us have to it. Hope you find some inspiration in these...

Spring greens and tofu salad (firm tofu, diced onion, celery, carrot, red bell pepper, corn, parsley, dill, balsamic vinegar, Dijon mustard, and a dash of agave)

Thank you food processor - between the banana are slices of a treat I blended and baked, made from leftover rice, prunes stewed with orange peel and unrefined dried sugar cane juice, vanilla, and peanuts – although walnuts would be good too. Cinnamon on top for added fanciness.

Soup of the day: black-eyed peas and their broth, kale, onion, parsnip, dulse flakes, and chickpea miso.

Rainbow salad: green apple, pickled cabbage and carrot slaw (lightly vinegared and generously salted, left in the fridge overnight), red pepper, kidney beans, spinach, leftover steamed broccoli rabe, kidney beans, homemade hummus, balsamic vinegar)