Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Shift

Something is shifting. I was getting better, and in some ways I still am (improved sex drive, for one, and my hair is returning), but at the same time I am also losing ground. My stamina, my stomach, even the taste in my mouth have taken a turn for the unpleasant. It's a subtle shift, nowhere near as all-consuming and overpowering as in the Adriamycin and Cytoxan days. But it's disappointing and depressing nonetheless.

And confusing.

I feel energetic, yet rundown at the same time. Good yet bad.

Maybe I've been recovering from the A/C all this time, meanwhile, Taxol is beginning to take its own unique toll.

Perhaps foolishly I had thought the improving trend would continue throughout the remainder of my six weeks of chemotherapy. I let myself imagine an expanding sense of well-being in the weeks ahead, fantasizing about how I'd spend the riches of my increasing energy. Today I'm realizing that I must continue to assess myself moment by moment, let go of expectations both good and worrisome, and make more room for self-nurturing.

So, toward that end, I'm lounging on the couch with my sweet dog, watching a movie on half the laptop screen while writing this message on the other half.

The rest I'll share in pictures - a selection of meals from the last week, and moments with my beloved man and beast...

Another vlog on the way, it's uploading right now. Check my Youtube channel for the latest.

Last night's dinner: red calypso beans, roasted red pepper hummus (this kind), steamed Swiss chard, tempeh sauteed with garlic, tamari, dill, and nutritional yeast, raw butternut squash, and purple cabbage with fresh ginger lightly steam-sauteed in a splash of water/rice vinegar  and a hint of agave nectar.

Another dinner: Local salad greens, steamed broccoli, black beans, squash and potato puree (more on that one here), with a dressing made from blended tofu, fresh dill, lemon juice, sea salt, onion powder, and the sweet herb, stevia.

This one was a lunch: steamed kale with sliced onions and portabellas sauteed in balsamic vinegar, pecan-raisin rice toast (this kind), and a dressing of tahini, lemon, sea salt, and smoked paprika.

The best nose in town.

My cuties.

Hair! Two days ago. J~ says there's already much more.

This one goes way back: the soup is this one, plus red miso, spinach, and peas.

Rainbow salad: kidney beans, dandelion greens, purple cabbage, red pepper, avocado, and jicima with tahini dressing.

And for dessert...


Anonymous said...

no.. backtracking? I love the hair that is coming back and you KNOW i love that sweet nose on Millie. But i'm sorry to hear that you are feeling crummy after the upswing. You need anything? I can make time this week! Would love to come see you. sending you love cyber style!

Kerry said...

Well, try not to dwell on your setback, or whatever it may be...I'm glad you're having solid good moments that connect more and more. Spring is here and that is always something happy to focus on...nurture yourself, your garden, your on your cookbook...think you're developing quite a following for that! (Hint!)

Anonymous said...

Hang in there.

Sending hugs.


WINCOG said...

Beautiful meals!

Life never is linear, is it? Two steps forward, one step back. One step forward, one step back. Three steps forward, two steps back. Two steps forward, three steps back.

Sending you love,

Shafeenaaz said...

Nice mix of words and pics Amy :)

Melisa said...


I know how you're feeling. I have six weeks of Taxol remaining and thought I was doing great, but all of a sudden I'm so exhausted I'm looking at cutting back to half days at work, which feels like a setback.
I am enjoying your blog because I can empathize and know I'm not alone as I struggle through the chemo treatments.
Thank you for sharing.
Hugs from NC,
Lisa P.