Sunday, November 07, 2010

Count Down

A recent Millie-walk (with J's blessing of course, and the permission of the talented photographer, Lori Mackay)

Just seven more days before cancer takes center stage.

I say that as if cancer hasn't already forced its way into the center of everything I do. As if I weren't giving up the first of those seven days (tomorrow) to drive two hours and back to Boston for second opinions at Dana Farber. As if there wasn't a PET scan on the horizon with its looming specter of metastatic disease, and a deep well of panic that bubbles over if I go more than a day or two without a good cry. Cancer places a gilded frame around each mundane pleasure in this whole and healthy-seeming body, rendering achingly poignant each dog walk, each hug, each swim and run and random smile from a stranger who has absolutely no idea what looms inside me.

For the first time since we found the lump, yesterday J~ and I took time to really be together intimately. We've been too numb, shocked, frightened. To put it another way: matters of life and death are not an aphrodisiac for us.

I can tell you, it is a very strange thing to feel sensations of pleasure in a part of your body that is soon to be gone, for which you have strong and opposing feelings. It was emotional for both of us. And time well spent.

I should add one more thing: cancer, especially my hormone-stimulated type of cancer, is very strict: we have to be careful now not to get pregnant. Ever. How very surreal.


Anonymous said...

What a beautiful family. You look so calm. Holding my breath for your countdown.

Anonymous said...

We hope everything goes well(?) in Boston~never know what to say~but am glad to be able to keep up with your progress via blogs and email updates. Count on me to be a strong impromtu visitor Amy...Peace~Kerry

Tash said...

I just wanted to say what a lovely photo that is, you both look so strong together.

I hope Boston gives you answers that you want or need, and that you can derive some kind of comfort from whatever it is that they have to say. Second opinions are good, always. They give you confidence.

And most of all I'm glad that J is supporting you. It sounds like he'll be your rock and your port in a storm. Hugs to both of you.

gycif said...

Continue to make art, play outside, eat dessert and Dream Big!

Gayle F.