Saturday, June 16, 2007

Yet Again

My sister-in-law, K~, is pregnant with her third child. She tried so hard and so long for the second child, I didn't think there would be a third. This news came on the heels of my friend L~'s pregnancy announcement (see Where to Begin?) three entries back. L~, as I've told you, is forty-one. It's her first pregnancy, conceived on her first try.

This is how I found out about K~: I was standing in the parking lot of the food co-op. J~ went inside to begin our shopping, while I finished up a phone call with my brother. When he dropped the news, I had a half-eaten kiwi in one hand, my cell in the other, and I literally could not respond because, suddenly, I was choking on a scrap of kiwi skin. There was a long, awkward (dangerous - maybe I was about to die) silence which I finally broke with coughing, and then a wheezy congratulations, then more coughing, during which I pulled a muscle in my back.

Inside the store, I told J~ the news. "Wow," he said, and hugged me. My eyes were already watery from my near-death experience, but apparently not enough: I burst into tears. Right there between the dairy case and the juices. We were blocking the aisle.

This is self-indulgent, but here it is, here's what I'm thinking: What is wrong with me? Why isn't this happening for us? What the hell! J~ had similar sentiments, though he put it this way: What's wrong with us? Aren't we good people? It's our turn! This, followed by looking ahead into a near future of watching K~, who lives nearby, get more and more pregnant. Baby showers. A birth. Family coming around to see the exciting new life. And us on the sidelines, smiling, keeping our sadness out of the picture, still wishing.

2 comments:

Frenchie said...

I've been lurking for a while--not sure if I've commented before. Just wanted to say, that I totally understand. This hits a very similar chord with me. My best friend is pregnant (about 6 months now) with her first child, conceived at 36 without problems after a few months of marriage. My sister in law is pregnant with #3 (due in August?) and my one and only Infertile Friend is now pregnant after her 1st IVF. (Of course I am happy for her--but now I just feel SOOOO alone.) I am adrift on a small raft in a huge endless sea of fertility. Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Anyway, just thought you might want to hear from someone who's in a simlar place. Hang in there.

Love your blog. Your writing is exquisite.

Dee said...

Love your blog and feel for you and J. It will happen. Good things happen to good people, I'm sure of that.