Tuesday, June 26, 2007


I am at a loss for words. I haven't written because I am speechless. But I can't leave you hanging, my dears, so I will attempt to bring forth the verbiage.

I'm really and truly pregnant. Yes, I'm happy about it. I'm also nervous -- nervous that it won't last. And nervous that it will.

I refer to the future with caveats: "If this pregnancy continues..." "If there is a baby..." carefully keeping my optimism on a leash. The rest of my sentences are often equally uneasy, "...we're going to have to bring in some more money somehow", "...we're going to need to do something about that rickety bookshelf", and "...B~ can't drop his backpack/shoes/clothes/books/games all over the place when he gets home from school anymore. He's going to have to learn to be helpful. He's going to have to hold the baby for an hour while I go for a run and take a shower."

When people tell me they believe it will work for me this time, they just know it, I say to myself, I've heard that one before. I appreciate the good wishes, the hopefulness, but I don't pretend to believe anyone has any true vision into the future.

On the other hand, I don't want to function in this land of ifs and maybes. I want to trust it. I want to admit to myself that this time, unlike last time and the time before that, I actually believe it myself that everything is going to be fine. Yes, I do believe there is a baby on the way.

I haven't done a thing about medical care, except call my naturopath, and hesitate to cancel an appointment with a Reproductive Health clinic, an appointment intended to assess my health and J~'s health, and our options for increasing chances of conception. My naturopath says that if I do have one of the autoimmune diseases the evil gastroenterologist mentioned, it might go into remission, since pregnancy supresses the immune system. "It might never come back," he said. "I've seen it happen." Indeed, my symptoms have improved, but they aren't gone yet. I have a number for another, hopefully less evil gastroenterologist. I intend to call today. A friend gave me the business card of a midwife. I will likely call her today as well.

I owe you the details of the first pregnancy test, our reactions, etc. but I'm out of time. Next post. I promise.


Ollie said...

As someone who is currently pregnant after having had miscarriages (many, many miscarriages), I know all too well what it feels like when someone attempts to predict the future. "I just know it will happen" is a typical phrase that instantly raises the hackles. ...and just how do you know? is always my first thought, too. We know they mean well, but still..

All I can do is be hopeful for you, continue to read with bated breath, and invoke what is commonly known in the infertility/miscarriage blogging world as "NBHHY" (nothing bad has happened yet). I hope it stays that way.

Here's to nine healthy and uneventful months.

megan said...

congratulations again. i know it's hard (nearly impossible?) but DO try to trust...

Sam said...

So I say to myself, "self, why don't we go to this blog, who knows, she could be pregnant" and HOLY CRAP. Congrats and fingers crossed and all that!

Anonymous said...

I've been following your blog with interest and I'm so happy for you! Congrats & best wishes to you! :)

Anonymous said...

Delurking to say congratulations, and I'm praying for you and your family that this pregnancy goes well.
I've been through a miscarriage and had difficulty conceiving, and all that with ambivalent aspirations to motherhood. I know where you are coming from and so appreciate your story and insights.

Andrea said...

So happy and hopeful for you!

missedconceptions said...

Yes, if you auto-immune issues are causing your GI symptoms, you very well might go into remission. I did with both of my pregnancies. Just be sure that you see a new Poop Doc ASAP, because if you do have Crohn's that is active, it can impact how your body absorbs nutrients. (The baby will be fine; you could get dangerously sick.)

{Wow, that sounded really mom-like and super-bossy, didn't it? I mean it in a non-naggy way. I just know all the ins and outs of Poop Docs and pregnancy (and miscarriages) and there is a lot GI doctors can do if they are kept abreast of the situation.]

Oh, and congrats on the pregnancy!

elle said...

This is such a good thing! Congrats! Hesitant but happy sounds like an OK place to be right now. You can always transition into full-on happy at a later date if desired, after a quick stop at happy but nervous of course. Wishing you good health and smooth sailing!

Anonymous said...

Always wise to be cautious in the very beginning but I like to think that regardless of my history, if I ever get knocked up again, I'm going to enjoy every minuscule minute of it because quite frankly, one does well just to get to this stage :)

Waiting for all the glorious details :)


Felicia said...

I understnad all your worries with your stepson. My daughter and stepson are 13 years apart. Makes life interesting with a infant and teenage boy in the house. So, if you ever need someone who understands the wholestep parent/parent thing you know where to find me.

I know it hard, but sometimes you just have to have faith. I wish you luck and can't wait to go on this journey with you.

Princess Peach said...

Exciting news. Congratualtions!