Friday, February 10, 2006

From Noank

I'm writing to you this morning from my cousin G~'s beach house. G~ is in the kitchen, trying to wrangle up breakfast, while at the same time corralling her very exuberant, and hungry, two-year-old girl. I'm sitting in the living room with my feet up on the window ledge, gazing out over the water as the sun climbs and contracts from porous blood-orange to firm yellow to pure and focused white. As the morning opens and expands, I am breathing in the drastic changes in my life over the past month, trying to relax into rather than brace myself against all the changes yet to come.

Dear readers, I owe you an update. So much is happening, and I have been remiss. Even G~ tells me I owe you an explanation. "What is this 'new love' you wrote about last time?" she says. "If I wasn't here with you and if you didn't write about it today, I'd be calling to ask."

The truth is, I'm still answering that question myself.

I feel like a teenager. J~ and I are on the phone every day, and when we're not otherwise occupied, we're smiling involuntarily, talking about each other to whomever will listen. We've only spent time together on two occasions, two slumber parties: once at my place, once at his, and though we've shared a bed, we're not rushing the physical stuff. I've met his eleven-year-old son, B~. For simplicity's sake, B~ knows me as someone his dad is dating, which, I have to allow, is not inaccurate, though we are not too keen on defining it as such, or defining it at all. It's still all so new, and we're proceeding with cautionary bouts of trepidation. In part, this is to think well about B~, who could become attached to me quite easily, but also, to think well about each other, and our own vulnerability.

J~ and I are opening to each other so fast it is a physical rush, the thrill and terror of a rollercoaster ride, requiring deep breaths galore. Our relationship began like a support group, each of us losing our spouses to adultery a week apart, contending with the same very rude awakening, admitting to each other every feeling that comes along with it, from waves of nausea to fear to anger, and every twisted urge (to hurt the ex) and cringing apprehension (about being alone) and desperate hope (for miraculous change in our exes, or else miraculous rescue by new love) that comes along with it. It's wonderful. It's terrifying. It's life.

"Everything ends," J~ said on the phone last night, when, once again, we found ourselves projecting into the future, trying to prepare and protect ourselves against the inevitability of getting hurt. "It's going to happen. Whether it be on the phone with one of us saying, 'I can’t do this,' or on one of our death beds. We’re already opened up to pain. So we might as well enjoy the present.”


pipersmama said...

Oh man. You're on really slippery ground. I'm sure you know all of this. I'm sure you and J~ have talked about all of this, but you must be very careful right now. Both of you. The emotional implications of engaging yourself in a new relationship so soon are enormous. And if he has a child, you need to be extra cautious. There are custody implications for him, despite the fact that his wife committed adultery first. If he's still married, and you're still married, it's still adultery in the court's eyes, separated or not.

*sigh* But I know what it means to feel like you can be wanted, attractive, desired, and appreciated, especially after someone has just told you or shown you that you are none of those things. I know what an overwhelming and empowering feeling that must be for you.

But please, be careful with your heart, not that J~ doesn't deserve your time and affection, but you really need to reserve what you can of yourself FOR yourself right now. The last thing you would want is for this new-found friendship to fail because of regret or guilt on the part of one or both of you.

Tread lightly, please. Just tread lightly.

Sorry if I'm being a downer...

Nico said...

I wondered about this, after hearing you talk about him on Sunday. I know it's so hard to do, but I totally agree with PM that you need to make sure you're taking care of yourself in the midst of this, and not just getting lost in someone else. You sound happy though, and I hope that this works out for the best!

bllamama said...

What? I say good for you!! Have a great time! No one is saying your moving in with this man or two are getting something from each other that you need. Enjoy yourself, life is short. You deserve this Amy. You see? Life goes on..

cj said...

I am wavering between be damn careful and have much fun...... Is it possible to do both at the same time????? I'm thinking of you.