I will make this brief, because I'm in the midst of a snow-bound weekend get-away I'm not all that interested in getting away from. But loyal readers, I don't want to leave you hanging. So several brief updates for now:
I'm continuing to have a terrifyingly great time with J~, talking out every fear and thrill and fantasy that arises, making no promises, and playing, playing, playing. Among today's highlights: wrestling with B~, his son, in the the freshly fallen snow.
The divorce is proceeding according to plan with A~, who is working non-stop. I saw him Friday evening, and he looked exhausted, and sad, telling me he prefers to work than to feel. What was I thinking? he asks himself, when too much down-time accrues. To be clear, he is not regretting the break-up, but the way he handled it. I am relieved to have this distinction in hand, because if he wanted me back, I'd have to consider it, and it would be a very heavy, difficult thing. We were together a very long time. I love him very much. And I want him to be happy. But as hard as all the changes in the past few weeks have been, I can't see myself ever going back.
"I can't say that more won't bubble up in the future," I told A~, "but for everything I've felt so far about all this, I forgive you. I'm not saying you handled it well, but I know you did the best you could." I really meant this. I really do know this. I was holding his hand as I spoke, and his eyes were the saddest I'd ever seen them. I wish I could've done more.
Life is tough. Life is fabulous. Bring it on.