Sunday, February 12, 2006

Bring it On

I will make this brief, because I'm in the midst of a snow-bound weekend get-away I'm not all that interested in getting away from. But loyal readers, I don't want to leave you hanging. So several brief updates for now:

I'm continuing to have a terrifyingly great time with J~, talking out every fear and thrill and fantasy that arises, making no promises, and playing, playing, playing. Among today's highlights: wrestling with B~, his son, in the the freshly fallen snow.

The divorce is proceeding according to plan with A~, who is working non-stop. I saw him Friday evening, and he looked exhausted, and sad, telling me he prefers to work than to feel. What was I thinking? he asks himself, when too much down-time accrues. To be clear, he is not regretting the break-up, but the way he handled it. I am relieved to have this distinction in hand, because if he wanted me back, I'd have to consider it, and it would be a very heavy, difficult thing. We were together a very long time. I love him very much. And I want him to be happy. But as hard as all the changes in the past few weeks have been, I can't see myself ever going back.

"I can't say that more won't bubble up in the future," I told A~, "but for everything I've felt so far about all this, I forgive you. I'm not saying you handled it well, but I know you did the best you could." I really meant this. I really do know this. I was holding his hand as I spoke, and his eyes were the saddest I'd ever seen them. I wish I could've done more.

Life is tough. Life is fabulous. Bring it on.


Trope said...

To be clear, he is not regretting the break-up, but the way he handled it.
I'm thinkin' that the way he handled it leaves something to be desired, so hearing him say that is a plus in my book. Glad to read that you are feeling so fantastic!

Nico said...

I am so amazed at your strength and fortitude. It sounds like you actually mean it when you say you forgive him. Wow. I'm so glad you're able to deal with this, and that you have J to help you.