Tuesday, November 22, 2005

On the Fence, but Leaning

Today's thoughts: I want to have a child. That sentiment exists, and I have to acknowledge it independently of the fact that I don't relish the trials of the first few years: financial strain, exhaustion, mindless chores chores chores, and loss of time to myself, to run, to swim laps, to write and read, and watch movies inappropriate for young children.

I asked A~ (my husband) if maybe, deep down, he really doesn't want to be a parent. He says he can't know, because he's never done it. He can only go on what others say about the burden and reward. "Seventy-thirty," he says, which is his assessment, from all he's been told, that the rewards outweigh the hardship. Even so, he could just as easily skip the whole project.

Sometimes his intellectual detachment bothers me, but I have to admit, seventy-thirty sounds about where I'm at on the question right now, too. So I guess that means we're going for it.

Of course, this is all assuming that my somewhat lesser chances of a successful pregnancy after two consecutive miscarriages will also fall into the Babies rather than the Not category.

1 comment:

GrannyGrump said...

Having kids does change your life. Great rewards, but also staggering vulnerability. Kids stretch your heart. You love your baby more than it's possible for a human being to love anybody, then every day you love that kid more, even after he or she grows up. That's the plus side. The minus side is now there's this other person whose well-being means a million times more to you than your own, and that little person is so vulnerable to illness, injury, accident, heartbreak, etc.

Overall I'd say it was worth it. I'd also say that it's never what you expect it to be. You need a serious sense of adventure in addition to a sense of humor. And you have to be willing to forgive yourself for screwing up. We're all messed up because we all have human parents. But every mistake you make with your kids just hurts so much.

But then, there's that incomparable feeling when that little face lights up, or your kid does something amazing.