In the front yard the other day - she's back, daintily nibbling violets and dandelions. (If you were reading this blog last spring, you might remember this visitor, nicknamed Henrietta, and the symbolism I ascribed to her then.)
In the neighborhood, a barred owl – tan and white with great yellow eyes, big as a (fat) cat (we call it Hootie) – implores each evening and morning: Who cooks for you? Who cooks for yoooou? I got a good long look at him (her?) perched on a log not eight feet away, but no camera on me at the time, alas.
Biking 90-ish miles on the weekends lately, and a little more during the week. Loving it.
All dressed and ready to meet riding companions yesterday morning, I burst into tears when it hit me: it's Mother's Day.
This is still so new, this letting go of the pursuit of motherhood. I'm not sure that I have let go completely. Not yet anyway. But I'm headed in that direction. I'm thirty-nine now, after all, and though I'm not preventing, I'm no longer trying to conceive, nor am I pursuing answers anymore, or super-charge health cures, in regard to my many miscarriages. Another Mother's Day passing.
So I cried for a minute, then kissed my very sweet and supportive husband, strapped on my helmet, and rode off into the bright windy morning.
8 comments:
How does she find you? Hugs and congrats for staying in the moment.
have you truly given up? or is there a whisper of hope in your heart? letting go of the expectation is one thing, letting go of hope is another. there are many paths to motherhood, and i hope that you don't rule all of them out. i think the bunny is a good omen.
I was 36 with my last just go with the flow tbear213
Hi AMY!!!
this is Kassie (from RISD) :)
You're always the face I think about when I think about strong women.
You have done amazing things with your life--Keep it up!!!
Here's where I get confused, reading your words: You have been able to get pregnant, but not stay pregnant. But you haven't wanted to get tested for clotting factors or other causes of repeat miscarriage (And I'll admit my bias here up front and say that I tested positive for clotting factors and finally had a successful pregnancy with treatment).
So you don't want to look into whether or not you have the conditions that cause miscarriage, but you're also not using birth control.
I have a hard time understanding this. What do you think could happen that would result in a different outcome?
If you don't want to have a child, I salute you and support you in creating a wonderful, full life of art and friends and love and family. You're so talented and you have much to offer the world.
But if you want to leave the door open to the possibility of a child...if you haven't given up the idea entirely (and you may well be thisclose to doing so -- I realize it's a process, not a single decision), I can't understand why you wouldn't try to prevent something that may well be completely preventable.
Why go through another miscarriage?
I can tell that you are finding fulfillment and, most of the time, peace. And you're filling the world with beautiful art. That's all any of us can ask, isn't it?
Wishing you more of all those good things!
I've been thinking about the questions arising in these comments. I'll write a proper post and attempt to address them. Thanks!!!
Wow I just came across your blog today and wanted to say I understand the vacillation of happiness, sadness, uncertainty, letting or not.
When I found out last year that I could not have kids of my own, I was devastated - or was I? Was I instead happy the choice had been made for me? I was on the fence for so long that I am not sure how we even made the leap into trying.
I don't write too much of it on my blog - mostly because I don't know what to say, if you ever wanted to chat about the uncertainty, and the sadness (or not as it may be given the day!) drop me an email. I am also 38 this year. I am also not taking the pill but not trying to get pregnant. I have not had the heartache of miscarriage - I didn't make it to that point. It's all a swirl from one day to the next. Sometimes when it is not bothering me - that's when it starts bothering me the most - know what I mean?
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