Thursday, March 20, 2008

Possibility



We saw her for the first time on a rainy day two weekends back. Having just completed a conversation in which we mourned our reproductive failures and recommitted ourselves to the cause, J~ and I looked out the window and there she was, white as snow, big as a cat, and snacking happily on our sodden lawn. J~ smiled at me. "A fertility sign," he said, but I was already smiling and thinking the same thing.

And then we went to bed.

When we got up after an hour or so, the rabbit was still in the yard. We declared it female, and dubbed her Henrietta.

She came back a few days later. Thrilled, I ran for my camera.

Later, a neighbor stopped by. Our fertility symbol, she informed me, is her escaped pet. Female, yes, not Henrietta but Megan, and—get this—pregnant. For rabbits, gestation takes only twenty-eight days. There will be babies very soon.

It made me very optimistic to hear all this.

So much so that I did two pregnancy tests this month, holding my breath for the good news. Where a second blue line should have appeared, no matter how intently I stared, no matter how good the light, there was nothing but the snowiest Henrietta/Megan-white.

And then I got my period.

By the way, the experimental (ivy league, no less) graduate program I applied to admits one student, just one, each year. I got my letter on Monday: I am not the one. But I am one of four on an unranked list of alternates, in case that one lucky candidate declines. I'll know in a month.

I'm happy to be waitlisted, especially since I've been on the fence about school. (Lately, all I want to do is work, clean my house, plant my garden, brew herbal teas, write in my journal, and take long walks with friends. Hell, I'm actually looking forward to doing my taxes!) Besides, I can handle waiting. I know all about limbo. I can appreciate a "maybe next month." I know that drill.

It is so much preferable to an unequivocal No. Not ever. Never gonna happen.

The waiting list is a blessing. Menstruation is a blessing. Neither will last for ever.

Today I embrace the gift of possibility.

5 comments:

Becky said...

I'm sorry.

Don Mills Diva said...

I'm sorry too. I just discovered your blog and it's so heartfelt and wonderful, I love it!

Grammie said...

Great post today...and so full of hope---my favorite word.

My hopes and prayers continue to be with you as you continue on your journey to parenthood.

Keep that optimistic outlook....

Sam said...

Possibility is similar to a cautious hope, is it not? That's what it feels like to me.

lifeshouldbestereo said...

Sorry to read that.
Loving the little bunny and your attitude too.
This reminds me.. at my work there is a couple of bunnies, who hang out on our parking lot. I arrive very early in the morning and sometimes leave very late, that's the only times you get to see them. One is a wild one (brown coloured) the other a black and white (probably domesticated) one. Yet they found each other, and are always together. On our parking lot in the bushes. They give ME hope for what's possible, every time I see them.
hugz