Tuesday, February 03, 2009

The Fence, the Grass, and the Color Green


Remembering my summer garden...

It's been five years, four miscarriages, two partners, and now a full year without a pregnancy since I began this pursuit of motherhood in earnest. It seems to me that the window for children to come into the world through my body is beginning to close. If it hasn't closed already.

Okay, I'll admit it. I've been crying my eyes out over this lately.

An old friend, younger than I, wrote to update me on her own infertility journey, which includes acupuncture, over a year of drugs, surgery (for endometriosis), IUIs (five of them), and now IVF. Not to mention the 3-hour commute to her RE's office.

I have nothing but respect and admiration and the highest hopes that her dedication will pay off.

But I ask myself: why am I not driven to follow a similar path?

This is not a new question. I revisit it all the time.

Is it because I am so easily overwhelmed by the medical world? Or is it because, in spite of my very sincere sadness, the desire to be a mother just isn't as strong in me as it is for some?

Though Number One on my wish list is an effortless pregnancy followed by a healthy child, Number Two is not a hard-won pregnancy, even if it came with a healthy-child guarantee.

No.

Next on my list is simply to let it go. Even if that means crying my eyes out on occasion.

Because when I'm not crying, there is time to make more art, read more good books, take more long walks, to take advantage of the time remaining in this very short life to love the people who are already around me.

Then again, I'm sure if I had that hard-won child, I would say every expense, every struggle was worth it. I'm sure the grass on that side of the fence would be very green.

I guess I'm gambling that if I keep watering the lawn of right here and now, I'll be okay with the grass under my feet.

11 comments:

Eva said...

It's only recently that such paths are even available. Maybe they're just not your old soul's style.

I read crying actually helps your body shed the chemicals/hormones that are saddening. So it's good. I also read that people who never had children, in old age, are just as happy as those who did. It's not the only thing in life. I'm glad you have so much else.

Just me said...

I don't think it necessarily has to do with your desire. I think it can be so emotionally overwhelming to go through this that it is easier sometimes to shut down than to deal with the emotions. I've only been at this infertility stuff for 3 months and I often feel ready to shut down.

{{{hugs}}}

Anonymous said...

Everyone has to forge their own path - if letting go is what is right for you, then it is what is right for you. Infertility treatment does not come with guarantees of happiness or hard-won pregnancies. Neither does pursuit of adoption. Both of these alternate routes can fail, be incredibly emotionally draining, and make a person feel even more out of control or crazy. Good for you for knowing yourself and trying to find happiness in the situation you find yourself in.

The Rebound Girl said...

Infertility is a tough road. There is nothing wrong with being overwhelmed and taking some time to figure out where to go from here.

Much Love

niobe said...

I sometimes ask myself the same question, but from the opposite perspective. Why am I so driven to do practically everything medically possible (IVF, surrogacy) to have a child? Why is my second choice not to gracefully let it go and be grateful for what I have, but to try as hard as I can and fail?

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Lori said...

"I guess I'm gambling that if I keep watering the lawn of right here and now, I'll be okay with the grass under my feet."

Wow. Just wow.

Coming2Terms said...

Been exactly where you are now...only we know what's best for ourselves and our circumstances. Wishing you peace...

Zee said...

Thank you so much for writing this. Thank you, thank you! Five years out, and also, reluctantly, seeing the end of the line, I have been thinking many of the same things myself. And I love this: "I guess I'm gambling that if I keep watering the lawn of right here and now, I'll be okay with the grass under my feet." This is exactly right. I'll always be grateful to you for putting it into words.

Sarah said...

What a beautiful and thoughtful post...

Amy said...

Thank you Sarah for your comment today, which brought me back to reread this post and all the lovely comments left previously. I'm sorry I wasn't more communicative in the past, but I want you all to know that I read every one, and appreciated them at the time, just like I did again today. I hope you all have green green grass underfoot.