Monday, March 17, 2008

Time Capsule #6: Moving On, Once Again

This is the final post in a series of six I held back out of concern that the content might impact a graduate school admissions decision. (The verdict is in, by the way. Tune in again soon for the latest.)

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Sometimes I go about in
pity for myself, and all
the while, a great wind
carries me across the sky.
-- Ojibwe Saying

J~ came home from work early Thursday, brought me food, tea, glasses of water, refills for my hot water bottle. He stayed home Friday, too, and did more of the same. Meanwhile, I lay on the couch. Surfed the web. Outfitted my new blog with a host of links. Solidified my decision not to apply to any more graduate schools, at least not this year, and contended with cramping and bleeding much more like a heavy period than last time's full-blown labor.

On Friday afternoon, J~ picked up B~ for the weekend, and Saturday, still tired, but glad to be recovering, I accompanied the two of them, along with two of B~'s friends, on an outing for lunch and ice skating in Providence. Physically, I wasn't sure I was going to be up for the trip. Emotionally, however, I was prepared to enjoy the company of three thirteen-year-old boys, and to appreciate the fact that I have such an easy opportunity to have them in my life.

And I did appreciate them, their earnest desire to be cool, their sweet pubescent awkwardness, the way they flop so smoothly back and forth over the line between budding adult sarcasm and sincerity, and childish play.

But home again, exhausted, and quickly settled in bed, I confessed to J~ that it had taken some effort for me to open to the gift of these boys. It meant also being open to the reality of what I don't have, what I very well might never have. I cried for a few minutes in my beloved's arms, and felt grateful again, as I do so very often, for all the blessings in my life.


K @ ourboxofrain said...

I am so, so sorry Amy. Even after Time Capsule #5, I was still hoping and praying that the outcome would be different.

Aunt Becky said...

Like K, I had been hoping for a different outcome for you.

You're an amazing woman.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for your loss. I've had pregnancy losses, too. You do have a life full of art, writing, and family to lean on during the difficult times, although family members don't always know what to say.
I don't want to pry, but have you had any luck determining what's causing your losses? A good reproductive endocrinologist can be helpful. Like you my niece had several losses. Once they found a thyroid issue and got that under control she went on to have two daughters. Just a thought ...
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Anonymous said...


I'm sorry you had to go through this again.

Ollie said...

I'm so sorry Amy. I was hoping that all the mystery behind the time capsule posts meant a very happy outcome. I'm just so sorry that wasn't the way it happened. From one multiple miscarrier to another, many hugs and a tall glass of wine in your honor.

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