Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I've been having recurring dreams of my ex-husband. None are exactly the same, but the theme repeats: A~ is either living in my home or otherwise occupying a space in my life. Meanwhile, he is either completely oblivious to my hospitality, lying to me, avoiding contact with me, beginning a secret relationship, otherwise disrepecting me, or all of the above. In last night's dream we were still a couple, living in adjacent dorm rooms, although we had not spoken to each other in almost two months.

In every dream, I go through a painful awakening as I begin to understand the nature of the situation. In one dream, I confront him in his lies and broken promises, which he attempts to deny or spin as misunderstanding. Feeling sick, I don't care to argue. I just yearn to be done with him. In other dreams, I evict him from my house, but he seems not to hear me, or claims not to understand.

In last night's installment, he has left his dorm room door open. I catch a glimpse of him lying on his bed, staring into space. Does he want me to come confront him? Is he hoping I'll make some move? Is he pretending he doesn't see me passing in the hall? Am I equally at fault for not seeking him out? In the dream, I realize the answers to these questions don't matter. This is not a relationship. It's over. I don't even have to dump him. I can just move on.

It seems like such a freeing thought. So why then, as I write these words, do I feel so sad?


Sam said...

It sounds like you are processing. Painful, but necessary.

Anne said...

You are sad because you are sensitive. Also beautiful, strong and resilient. Just realized that you've blog rolled me. I'm floored and honored. Thank you.

akakarma said...

Haven't been by for awhile, sorry. But I was struck by this post and the familiarity of it. I too often dream of my ex- with whom I shared an intense, ill fated relationship. I know that bittersweet melancholy and familiar sense of fear that accompanies it and yet much of the dreams are efforts to actually fix the problems and some of the sadness is that they are unfixable.:(

akakarma said...

I confess to stealing several of your wonderful inspirations to my friends because they totally resonated with me ( I'll add credits now that you've been by)! But the Leonard Cohen is all mine!! He's the sexiest singer isn't he?The thing I am not is the wonderful artist that you are!