Sort of

I'm still in the coccoon, but there are changes afoot: Though I have nightmnares about my ex, (I had one last night) and still cry, on occasion, over him, I'm mostly happy, finding my rhythm with work, the house, my man and his boy. I'm getting there.

In fact, this morning, as B~ (the boy) opened the door to leave for school, he blew a kiss to me at the computer. He's a sweet kid. I get hugs and kisses from him regularly, so this was nothing new. I didn't have to break my stride at the keyboard to return the gesture. It is brand new, however, for him to call out, "love you!" For this, I put my hands down and turned fully to face him, thoughtfully marking the occasion, saying--what else?--"I love you too."

Yesterday, I overheard T~, the local school counselor / window and door guy ask B~ if I was his mother.

"She's my sort-of step-mother," B~ said.

"Your sort-of step-mother?" came the inquiring reply.

"Yeah," B~ answered, leaving T~ to wonder.

I'm not sure quite what I am either, or what I'll be when I emerge from this transformative process, or what I'll be writing about, but at least I'm something already, if only sort-of something, and at least I'm not the only one who wants to know!

Chrysalis

That's me right now, I'd like to think: deep in my dark coccoon, not-quite catepillar, not-quite butterfly, not quite sure yet what I want to say except that I haven't slipped into a coma or run off from Blogland entirely.

I'm focusing on work at the moment, which I must admit, I find overwhelming. I've over committed myself and I can't figure out how to uncommit, so I'm doing my best to push through, while at the same time keeping the tiniest bit of momentum in place on home improvements and family planning (more like family hoping) and a modest exercise regimen.

Ovulation is imminent.

Updates to come.

Feel the Breeze

Dear new and loyal readers,

I'm thinking about this blog a lot lately, though I have come to no conclusions as to how to proceed. I remind myself that everything will be easier a month from now when I'm out from under this terrible nose-to-the-grindstone work-crunch I'm currently oppressed/blessed with.

For those of you in suspense, yet again, no I'm not pregnant. But the next egg is on deck, taking its little practice swings and feeling like a winner. I'll keep you posted.

By the way, this is a photo from the trip J~ and I took to Mexico. Ah, how nice to know that not all that long ago I was lying under a palm tree...

Fresh Air

My blog needs a change .

Lately I haven't had a whole lot to say on the subject of baby-making, or not-baby-making, or fear of or longing for or even avoidance of baby-making. It's the same redundant nail-biting anxiety that keeps going around and around in my head like Dorothy's tornado. And we all know I'm not in Kansas anymore, or at least in the naively happy and trusting middle-America place I think, metaphorically speaking, Kansas represents. (Forgive me for stereotyping and oversimplifying. I don't mean to offend the state of Kansas or middle-America or any of its inhabitants.)

The point is, how many more times do you want to hear me complain about how much a woman has to give up (personal time, freedom, social and professional status, not to mention earning power) to do what our species is most deeply programmed to do? And haven't I made the point enough times already that I think it's a woman's sole right and responsibility to make her own decisions about whether or not or when to reproduce? Haven't I made it clear that, though it can be harder emotionally and physically, I don't think there's anything wrong with deciding against it, even after a pregnancy has begun?

Assuming I'm not pregnant right now, and a few days from now I won't be obsessing afresh on miscarriage and motherhood, I need to figure out a way to move on. I want to keep writing, I want to keep communicating with you, dear readers.

So, tune in next time, when I promise to have something new to say.

Have a great day.