Monday, April 17, 2006


I'm asking myself if the state I'm in is like the caterpillar becoming the butterfly: have I crawled into a cocoon? I haven't been writing much lately, that's for sure.

I certainly have applied this analogy to my life at times in the past. But when I did, it was because I had difficult feelings I needed to sit with, to probe, to dig into, pull up by their roots. I had to take a good hard look at myself, and the promise of transformative change gave me the courage to do so.

But these days, I'm not feeling bad. And I'm not retreating into isolation. It's not like that. I'm not depressed and struggling. I'm just busy, and inspired to get things done.

One thing that is caterpillar-in-cocoon-like, though, is the sense that I'm embracing major change in how I interact with everything and everyone I face over the course of a day, including myself. Rather than acting out of habit, behaving as I have in the past in order to feel the safety of the familiar, or acting in preemptive defensive worry about the future with all its great unknowns, I want to move strictly from my center, from the sense that this moment that I'm occupying right now is IT. This is where my life actually IS. Right here. No, right here.

It seems like the longer I live, the more precious and fleeting the experience of living becomes.

Perhaps I am the butterfly after all, short-lived and glorious, just beginning to find my wings.

Here are some things that no longer fit into my life:
• Doing or saying anything that isn't true and genuine in order to spare someone's feelings.
• Hiding out in distraction, engaged in boring, habitual behaviors in order to spare my own feelings.
• Saying yes when I want to say no. (Or continuing to say yes when I realize I wish I'd said no.)
• Rushing (except when it's fun. Sometimes it is fun to move at a quick pace.)
• Being alone when I don't want to be alone. (Turning on the television does not cure this!)
• Seeking approval and striving to please others with my choices, my actions, my life.
• Denying myself physical and emotional care when I need it, out of fear of spending money or losing time.
• Procrastinating.
• Dwelling on or nursing resentments about unresolved relationship issues rather than opening dialogue and working toward resolution.
• Feeling unhappy and trying to ignore it, rather than paying attention to the truth of the moment.
• Measuring the quality of a day in terms of how much was accomplished rather than how much fun was had in the process.

It's all a work in progress, and will be to the end.

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