On average, this site receives a hundred hits each day. A good many of these are repeat visitors, though new ones arrive all the time. And when something exciting is going on, these numbers more than double.
Why am I telling you this?
Because when I first started this blog, I was thrilled that anyone read it at all. Because, let's face it, I love the attention, and in hard times, have really benefited from the support. I'm aware that these numbers represent people who have invested their hearts into my story, and I appreciate that a lot. When I don't feel like posting, they are my motivation.
My great inspiration for beginning this blog was Julie Powell, whose blog,
The Julie/Julia Project became her first book,
Julie and Julia: My Year of Cooking Dangerously
. I was reading her book during my second miscarriage. It was a good and humorous distraction.
I started my blog because I had a lot to say about reproductive choice and challenge, a lot to sort out about my own choices and challenges, and because I, too, wanted my writing to become a book.
I still do.
This blog was supposed to be a compilation of notes that I would later draw upon for a book manuscript. It was supposed to be the place where I answered the question,
Babies or Not? It became so much more than that: A journal, a scrapbook, an information clearinghouse, a forum, a support group, a think-tank, a stage...
When I started, I thought I was near the end of my story. Little did I know, I was at the beginning. Nor did I suspect
Babies or Not would stop burning in my mind as a question, and begin burning in my heart as a mantra: I will live well, forge deep ties in my community, make positive change, be creative, nurture growth in myself and in others—
Babies or Not.
Lately, something in me has shifted. As I said to a friend yesterday, the door is still open to the possibility of children, but I'm no longer standing in it, peering into the fog hoping to glimpse my future, or craning my neck at the past for hints as to what I could or should have done differently. My life is full. There are other excitements, goals, and satisfactions claiming my attention. In as much as it is possible for me at this point, I've let go.
This blog is by no means over, but a drift away from blogging and into a new phase of writing has begun. It's time for me to acknowledge that, and give my loyal readers a much-deserves round of appreciation. I wouldn't have done this writing (or anywhere near as much of it, or anywhere near as carefully) without you. You've made me a better, more confident writer. And you've seen me through some very rough times.
Thank you to everyone who has followed my story. To those just happening upon it today - it's not too late. Start from the beginning, new readers, it's worth it. The plot twist comes just two months in.
And fear not, everyone! I will continue to post. Maybe even tomorrow, who knows. (It's that time of the month, after all). I'll continue to receive your comments. I'll still be available via email. I am not disappearing. And if (WHEN) the book comes out, or the answer to my original, title question changes, believe me, you'll be the first to know.
