Monday, October 29, 2007

Nothing

Yes: Nothing.

I have done nothing, beyond discuss with J~ what something might entail, in regard to further medical intervention in our fertility journey.

We did decide to ask some questions of the doc, do a little research of our own, and possibly, probably, get all the blood tests - genetic for us both, immunologic, clotting, the works, for me. But taking action? Doing the actual research, making the actual calls, getting our arms stuck with actual needles? No. None of that has happened.

I can't say why, exactly.

I think of the downstairs bathroom overdue for a thorough cleaning and the kitchen floor we've been meaning to replace and the reservations to be made for our very first anniversary dinner. Yes, I know, this issue is a little heavier than mundane household chores, a little more daunting than "dinner for two," but still, the hold-up is, at least in part, related to how busy we are.

Okay, I know busy-ness is an excuse, but to be fair, J~'s weekends, ever since his son moved to Vermont, have revolved very heavily around the boy. B~'s been home every weekend, and J~ has done an awful lot of driving. As for me, I must admit, there's relief in focusing on grad school and my freelance graphic design business and the book proposals I've been chipping away at forever. I'm making real progress on all these fronts, which feels great.

Then again, I do worry about getting pregnant without being any better equipped to stay pregnant. As for the primal, primary, necessary act, the prerequisite to finding ourselves in just that situation, we haven't slowed down one bit. In fact, I would go so far as to say we've been more inclined toward that one, what with so many weekday evenings with no child in the house. Which also helps explain why we're finding so little spare energy to move on the difficult issues, like cleaning that bathroom.

In conclusion? Believe me, I see the contradictions riddling this entry. I see room for improvement, to say the least. But I keep coming back to the bottom line, which is this: I'm happy.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be a mother. I'd love to avoid another miscarriage. So why don't I do something about it? What's my excuse for all this passivity? What do I have to say for myself, young lady?

Nothing.

6 comments:

Which Box said...

Sometimes you have to let things lie for a little bit. Not that much time has passed. It sounds like you are enjoying where you are, and right now, maybe that is exactly where you are supposed to be. Don't beat yourself up.

Long time reader, first time delurking. Hang in there.

Beth said...

Sometimes the best, most healing thing you can do for yourself is just to let matters rest. Wait. Listen to your inner quiet. You will know when the time for action arises.

Take care.

Patty said...

From reading your post, "nothing" sounds like a good thing for you to be doing, and perfectly right for the moment. And remember, just because the bathroom isn't getting cleaned by you, there is still activity going on in there. The same is more likely than not true inside of you as well. Trust your gut.

Ms. Kitten said...

As long as you are happy, then that is the most important thing.

Anonymous said...

From one current nothing-doer to another - sometimes it seems necessary to just take some time off to regroup, maybe to gird yourself for another round of whatever may come your way...

Sometimes I look back on my nothing-doing times and I am so frustrated that I didn't get it together and charge ahead, because of the whole not-getting-any-younger thing. I have always come back to a really calm assurance that trying again is what I really want to do. The thing about this sort of struggle is that it forces you to consider your life subjectively, and the conclusions are not necessarily what you assumed they would be. I'm sure you'll know what to do when the time is right.

Anonymous said...

Good for you for knowing you need to just let things lie! the one thing I might caution though, if you're looking for any advice (maybe you're not!) is that it might be a good idea to hold off on ttc until you know more about the cause of your miscarriages. it just seems like it would be a shame to possibly experience another miscarriage only to learn that it would've been preventable. of course, if your ultimate diagnosis is "bad luck," then you're smart to keep trying right now...