Saturday, September 08, 2007

Nine Lives

"Don't you think you should come back in your next life as a pampered Siamese cat or something? With nine lives?" This was said by my friend, B~, last night, after hearing my most recent bad news.

The bad news was this, my current worst fear come true: a call from Dr. A~ yesterday saying that by the time the lab got the word that yes, in fact, they were supposed to genetically test my "products of conception," it was too late. The cells would not reproduce.

"Well that sucks," I said into the receiver, then thanked him for the information, and hung up. I stared blankly at my computer screen. There goes my best chance at a clue as to why I keep losing my pregnancies. I dropped my head and wept onto my keyboard. I called J~ and cried some more. And then I got back to work.

It took me a minute to understand what B~ was getting at with her nine lives comment. We were sitting in our usual once-monthly girl's night bar/restaurant, the rest of the gang all around. I looked at her quizzically. She looked me in the eye. "You've been through enough."

I laughed, appreciating the sympathy, recalling the trials life has put before me in the last few years.

B~'s statement stuck in my mind, resurfacing on the drive home, in bed with my man this morning, and again, as I sit down to write. Yes. I've had some bad luck. Some hard times. And there are still challenges ahead. I may never have children. That's a big one.

I see the history that formed me, the good and bad that brought me to this reality. I can get to feeling very low about that. But for the most part, in the day to day of living, I don't feel unlucky. I don't feel singled out by fate.

I am amazed, actually, that after weeks of free fall, anticipating and then surviving J~'s surgery, anticipating and then recovering from another miscarriage, I seem to have landed on my feet. I can't explain it. I credit J~. I credit my need to write everything down. The people whose shoulders I have cried on.

Maybe I am a siamese cat already.

Maybe luck is more about how you recover from hard times than it is about whether or not hard times come along at all. Don't we all have hard times?

8 comments:

onward and upward! said...

Yes.

And one of my concerns about having children in the first place, one of the reasons I was so ambivalent for so long, was because of all the suffering in the world. Having a child means introducing an innocent to a world of suffering. My baby boy will suffer.

However, I do believe it is what you do with your circumstances that makes life sometimes, not always, beautiful.

I also do believe some people are born into amazing circumstances that are very positive (like wealthy kids in well-educated and loving homes). I also believe bad shit happens to good people (like yourself). Again, it's what you do with the situation that makes a diference to the individual ...

And you have always struck me as having nine lives. I don't know you from Eve, but from reading your blog, you seem to land on your feet very well. You're a good role model.

Grammie said...

What an incredibly inspiring post! I had tears in my eyes as I read your courageous and optimistic words.

My daughter-in-law went through some very difficult and rough times (including miscarrying) before finally conceiving my first grandson...so my heart goes out to you on your journey.

You are an amazing woman of great inner strength...and I wish you only good things in your future.

Best wishes,
Grammie

Eva said...

1. THOSE BASTARDS.
2. Yes, you can't change what bad happens to you, only how you react to it. Still, it never hurts to get really pissed and sad at the unfairness of it all.

Dee said...

Your attitude is so so admirable!! I can only congratulate you for this post and for your words.
Yes one cannot control what happens to us, what life throws at us, but one can control how one reacts to it. That's something that takes a lot of people a lifetime to understand. Wise words my friend, wise words.
And yes we all have bad luck , if you want to call it that, one way or another.

Sunny said...

Beautiful post! I had to add it to my shared posts on my blog.

You inspire me!

Melanie said...

Great post! I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. I lost my first baby 4 months ago and I'm still trying to get deal with it, I just can't come to terms.

Anonymous said...

I'm truly inspired by your outlook on life!

Anns said...

I'm so sorry you weren't able to get any answers. If it makes you feel any better I got "inconclusive results" on testing of both of my m/c's and my Doc now thinks he has his answer.

Don't give up hope.

Anns xo