Monday, November 13, 2006

Looking Forward, Looking Back

At this moment, my stepson is in the next room, being the typical twelve-year-old: doing homework (i.e. cruising iTunes). My man is at his men's group, getting and giving that good ole manly support. I am just home from the gym, curled up on the couch with my laptop propped on a pillow, feeling content.

The only clouds on my horizon are my ex, who has basically dropped off the face of the earth, and J~'s ex, who errs in the opposite direction, sometimes calling J~ three times in a day, imagining she and I are friends or will become so, while going wet-noodle limp in terms of holding up her end of the parenting bargain. But she lets J~ know how much she appreciates all he's done for her, and how sorry she is for her part in the downfall of their marriage. I'm glad he's receiving that healing salve, but I can't help but compare, and it makes me sad. Could twelve years of relationship truly go down the drain with just a "Thanks for everything. Keep in touch"? I guess so.

Tonight I will prepare myself a peaceful, solitary meal (my boys have already eaten). I'll compose my Thanksgiving shopping list. I'll file a few papers, and, come nine o'clock, herd B~ upstairs to brush his teeth and get ready for bed. J~ will return and we will have, as he puts it, "functional sex" (as opposed to the passion-driven sex we've been having all weekend, our first alone since marrying two weeks ago). Tonight is prime pre-ovulation time for my menstrual cycle.

I looked at my fertility chart a few minutes ago, and noted that my next period will be due November 27th or 28th. If it doesn't come, I'll be doing a pregnancy test by the 29th. The timing couldn't be more perfect. Exactly a year ago on that date, I sat down and began this blog, still reeling from my recent miscarriage, unclear as to whether there would ever be another pregnancy attempt in my life.

I could have never predicted the changes this year would bring, not the least of which is that I'm happy, and that the question (Babies, or not?), as well as the mantra, (Doing well... Babies or not.) are still very much alive.


Anonymous said...

The title of your blog, Babies or Not, was what originally attracted me to your site. I'd say I first viewed it in February or March 2006, after a miscarriage. I thought the title was so hopeful and I needed that at a time of dispair. The idea that whether I procreate or not is beside the point, I have to LIVE damnit and get on with my life no matter what happens. No one is immune to tragedy and loss. So you have had a very full year, with tons of changes, and I'm thrilled that you are still maintaining your mantra. It's a good one. It's the only viable option--live life to the fullest no matter what. Thanks for that.

Ironically, now I am five months pregnant with my first child and experiencing some anxiety wading through the different emotions and responsibilities. Like finding out daycare waiting lists are years long in some cases. Or that your OBGYN-nurse Mom who has supported midwifery programs all these years, suddenly doesn't want that option for you. Finding out that young children don't increase your happiness quotient, according to research, but they actually decrease it for awhile. Wondering if this kid has Down syndrome because I'm 37 and chose not to do any genetic testing.

So what I'm saying is that now that there is and hopefully will be a checkmark next to "Baby," I still need to live and try to enjoy my life to the fullest and make the most of it. Regardless of this child coming, I want modestly fabulous for ME. Thanks for your blog, this has helped me realize it's OK to put my needs at the top of my list. Babies or Not.

Ollie said...

I just found your blog this evening. And I'm completely hooked. Brilliant writing.

Congratulations on your new marriage! I look forward to future posts. I raise a toast to you and J--may it be the continuation of a very happy life together.