Saturday, October 14, 2006

Transition, part 1: Old View

Two weeks ago I gave up the keys to my old apartment. But before I did, I sat in the living room and stared out of the same window I've stared out of for more than five years. The view isn't anything astonishing, a little patch of sky and a piece of the neighbor's roof and chimney. But many times, at night, I've seen fireworks in that patch of sky (there is a small stadium a mile away); and once or twice, when a storm passed through in the afternoon, there were rainbows.

The view has been good to me, even though so often I've looked at it unhappily, longing for the day I might have a roof, and chimney of my own, some sun, a patch of dirt to make myself a garden. I thought that the day I moved out of this apartment would be the day my ex and I took a step closer to that dream. Little did I know...

In my notebook, I composed an imaginary letter to A~. Well, the letter was real, but the idea of him ever reading it was not. In it, I wrote about the nausea I felt moving the last few things out of the building. I wrote about how angry and hurt I still feel. I wrote about how I can't possibly respond to his request that I call or write to give him updates on my life. Unless he can express interest and concern for how I actually feel, unless he can truly be my friend, I cannot be his. I wrote that, as much as I am loathe to admit it, I still miss him. And then it hit me: I cannot even be his friend. And then I cried for a few minutes, snapped a few photos, dropped my keys in my landlord's mailbox, and left.

Part 2, next post...

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ah, you've hit on the definition of friendship, which includes being able to communicate feelings honestly (and respectfully). Not having to hold back feelings.

I've got several "friends," but only a handful that I have the emotional intimacy with to be able to talk about feelings, and that includes my feelings about them and vice versa.

I'm sorry you lost this friend who shared such a big portion of your life for so long. I'm sad for your loss. Happy for your new friends.

Anonymous said...

True friendship also requires commitment and a willingness to accept criticism without offering lame excuses or backing immediately out of the entire friendship - even after more than a decade. Lots of people around here are losing friends lately. I'm sorry for your loss. But it sounds like you've gained a whole lot more than you lost.

chaos_girl said...

Glad to see you back and posting! Cannot wait for part two of this post and to see where your life is leading...