Friday, August 13, 2010

The Beach

One afternoon toward the end of our vacation, J~ and I hiked along a wind-swept cliff where Pacific Ocean meets land at the Wilder Preserve, just north of Santa Cruz. The wind was so cold and stiff we had to lean into it, shoulders rigid, but the sky was crystalline, cloudless, and the sun was warm.

Eventually, we wound down a narrow trail to a sheltered cove. It was a relief to get out of the wind, to watch the deep blue ocean, the waves rolling in, to dig our feet into warm sand and feel the sun hot on our backs. We had the place to ourselves. Before long we were out of our sweatshirts and sprawled in the sand sleeping like contented kittens.

Internally, I am still sleeping on that beach, blissful in the sun as waves crash and whisper on the shore of my mind, drowning out all other voices. In the background, I am aware of the all the mental lists, chores waiting, urgent questions unanswered, decisive actions not yet taken. But I am limp and smiling and not quite conscious and in no hurry to become so.

These last few weeks of summer are my favorite. I hope you are enjoying them too.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

The Old and the New

J~ and I are in California, in a hotel overlooking Monterey Bay in Santa Cruz. We can hear the surf from our bed, and see it from our window. We are dividing our time between exploring old memories (we both have history here) and creating new ones: running, good food (mostly sushi), hiking, and the beach.

A few days ago, before setting off on this adventure, we visited the fertility clinic and learned the results of all our testing: my uterus looks normal. One tiny fibroid but nothing to worry about, nothing that would cause a miscarriage. Karyotyping (genetic testing for both of us) also normal, as were all other tests of my blood except one clotting factor was a little bit high. I don't have the paperwork here with me so I can't get very specific, but suffice it to say, the doctor thinks this could be a factor in at least some of my miscarriages. He thinks that if and when I get pregnant again I should take both baby aspirin and Lovenox.

I'm a little skittish about this. I could handle the aspirin. For those who do not know, Lovenox is a drug I would have to take by injection. Every day. Ouch. Not to mention the fact that this blood clotting issue supposedly does not come into play with pregnancies that fail before 10 weeks. All of mine were in the process of failing well before ten weeks, if not completely over by then.

Ah, but for now there is no decision to be made. As far as I know, I'm not pregnant. In a day or two, I will know that for sure. And I'm on vacation. Last time I was in Santa Cruz I was living out of a back pack in the woods behind UCSC, unsure that I would ever have a life with enough financial and emotional stability that such a trip would be possible. I have lots of wonderful memories of that time in my life. Perhaps I had a healthier, more capable and fertile womb in those days. But all tolled, now is better. Life is good!